When the going gets tough, the tough get going

Vanessa demonstrating burka chic badly

I absolutely love the above Billy Ocean 80's classic! It's such a cheese fest and depending on the beverage imbibed, I have been known to indulge in a little bit of Michael Douglas/Kathleen Turner/Danny De Vito white tuxedo dancing just like in the video should this song be playing! Sad or what?! It was also one of the songs being played on the radio while I was receiving my new stem cells last week. And what I have been telling myself every day this past week whilst I have been going through possibly one of the most physically demanding experiences of my life so far. And not in a good way either like running a marathon or swimming the Channel.

Although I still feel weak, today has been the first time I have been able to type in a while - thank you Mat for updating the blog in my absence. I had been told about the chemo side effects, read up about it all and had steeled myself for the worst but to put it bluntly hadn't quite realised that it would be all so very cr*ppy.  My body felt like it was eating itself from the inside while every orifice oozed/leaked/secreted various substances and during which my scalp felt like it was on fire. In addition, I was running a high temperature, my mouth full of sores, felt like cardboard and my tastebuds shot to pieces. The medical team were superb in administering the various pills and potions to make me feel better and I can't praise them all enough for not only trying to make me feel physically better but in also lifting my spirits up.
I was also lucky enough to receive an Indian head massage Friday evening which made me feel a little alive again. UCLH are quite forward thinking in allowing alternative therapies to be practised on patients should they wish too - so long as the practioners are not preaching chakras, mantras etc.  It's all a form of relaxation technique and not medical and scientific in any way. Regardless of what you believe, as I have mentioned, the aromatherapist made me feel like me again. Hopefully, the reflexology session tomorrow will make me feel even better, then there will be trouble!

Needless to say, during all this time there have been plenty of tears and self-pity on my part. It's no fun being incarcerated in a hospital room watching the world go about its way especially at this time of year.  Everybody seems to be having sooo much fun. My self-pity doesn't last long and I figure that it's healthier to succumb to it, so long as the maudlin doesn't take over. I know there are people much worse off than me out there but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to :-(

In addition, I have felt weak and vulnerable and horribly exposed at times. For example, I had to have an x-ray on my chest which involved travelling from the 15th floor to the basement and the stupid g*t porter taking me decided to use the public lifts rather than the designated patient ones. I only realised when the lift kept stopping on floors and people were entering coughing and spluttering away without a care in the world or other people. Because of my lack of immunity I was made to wear a mask but it still made me feel scared about catching a bug of some description and setting my treatment back. I did try and tell the porter but his English was limited and I don't think he had a clue as to what I was saying and people were just staring at me. It was easier to shut up and get on with it - I didn't really want to draw any more attention to myself as I sat there mad-eyed, greasy-haired and wearing a mask and dressing gown - a beautiful sight to behold. I did make a complaint but I don't know if anything came of it. The porter taking me back was much more professional and understanding and quite frankly I am just putting the whole thing down to experience. I have gained more from this hospital than not. As an aside and speaking of bugs, I kinda now know how Howard Hughes felt although I am rather hoping I won't end up like him!

Just in case you were wondering, my hair is slowly but surely falling out. I already have bald patches. Mat was on stand-by to give me a GI Jane style hair-cut with the clippers but because of my sore scalp we have postponed this. Might just go for a No 3 all over as all this hair falling out is a bit messy. Everytime I wash my hair the plug hole looks like there is a small black rodent asleep in it! Really glad that I did cut my hair when I did - it's bad enough dealing with it all now but I can only imagine the horror of having to deal with handfuls of long hair. I don't think I am going to make an attractive baldy either so the sooner it grows back the better. Eyebrows and eyelashes are still in place and hopefully will remain so.

Throughout all this, thank you very much for all your comments, text messages, emails, voicemails and phone calls when I have been able to take them. They have really cheered me up no end and have lifted my spirits in more ways than you will ever know. I will try and get back to as many of you as possible but please do bear with me if I don't get a chance to. It can get overwhelming at times - sorry. A special thanks to Amy for the care package! Wow! All various goodies have and should keep me amused long into my recuperation.

In other news, given that I have just been lying here semi-comatose watching daytime TV for the last few days, I now know how to make tasty sausage rolls, interesting canapes, a chestnut roast for veggies, a ruffle for my wrist, that chicken is the 5th favourite Christmas food and how to use hops as a Christmas garland. Check out just how interesting I have become!? Loved the Apprentice last night and so glad Stella won - I picked her right at the start. I know a winner when I see one.

Feeling a little tired so will sign off for now. Dinner has just arrived also so need to eat that to keep my strength up.  With a bit of luck I should be home in time for Christmas Day to continue my recuperation at home. The doctors seem to be making all the right noises. Hope so, I don't think I could stand any more hospital food and staring at these four walls all day - fingers and toes crossed!  I really miss our house!