Separation - A Modern Fairytale

Once upon a time in a land far, far away a girl met a boy and they fell in love. They were fantastic together, always laughing, living and loving. The world in its magical Kingdom gave them many exciting adventures together, some good some bad, but always interesting. For many years it seemed they had a perfect life. Except it wasn't really, especially during the many months when a curse fell on the girl and she got very, very sick. It was almost like the curse also fell on the boy and he too became sick. Except he wasn't. The boy made a choice and disappeared. Perhaps it was a bad choice but it was a choice nonetheless.

The girl got well again and knew that she deserved much, much better but understandably her mind sometimes gets filled with dark, scary thoughts. The girl sometimes feels that this is what happens when curses and wicked people enter the magic Kingdom and gets very, very sad. At times the girl cried so much she thought she would dry up and crumble to dust.

However, the girl is strong, some would even say resilient and as her body gets stronger, she hopes her mind will follow. She is not like your usual girl and never has been. She can be very stubborn at times, that's why she never gives up. The girl also has an awful lot of capacity to love and to be loved and perhaps because of this, she has lots of supporters in the magic Kingdom. She knows she would not be where she is now without them. 

It's scary walking through a forest full of frightening monsters, evil thoughts and bad omens but the girl's many Knights in shining armour, guards, fairy godmothers and protectors of the realm have all been there for her. The girl will be forever grateful and she hopes her protectors will always remain as the dark forest can sometimes still be very scary and overwhelming with its mean and nasty branches.

As the sun sets and a new year awaits, the girl is hopeful of a new dawn. But most of all she just wants to laugh more. To have fun. The girl misses that. She likes people who make her laugh and she hopes that she'll meet them as she embarks on new adventures. To fill a new chapter in the modern fairytale.

The end. For now.

High rise London life

As part of my new normal, yesterday I was lucky enough to end up in two of the tallest buildings in London - the Shard and the Walkie Talkie building (20 Fenchurch Street).

The Shard came about as part of a last minute "let's go up there for a meeting" scenario with work and the Walkie Talkie was a pre-planned early birthday celebration with the gorgeous ladies below. I'll leave venue reviews for another time but if you are able, do visit one or both buildings. It's worth it!

As you can see from the photos, in a word, it was all abit WOW! The views were breathtaking from both buildings and it really helped that the weather was so clear hence the fab vistas. 

It certainly makes you appreciate how beautiful London is and how lucky I am to know such wonderful people who are kind, generous, funny and know how to knock back a cocktail or three! Thank you ladies for a great night!

I was exhausted after it all but it was all worth it. Onwards and very definitely upwards!

View from the Shard

Another view from the Shard

Evening view from the Walkie Talkie

Cocktail No 1

Pretty awesome ladies - Debs, Fran & Kira

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

A new normal

Well, it's the end of September and it's been a fairly quiet month. Hence the blog silence. This is a good thing because most of it has been spent trying not to vomit and getting lots of rest to overcome my fatigue. And I appear to be succeeding.

I still have a long way to go to reach a good level of fitness but as my birthday month approaches, it's good to know that a semblance of 'normal' (well, for me anyway!) is on the horizon.

The highlight of the month is my wig. I bought one as sometimes it's just easier. Easier to not have to talk about cancer. Easier to not have people stare. Easier to be 'normal'. Easier to forget my bald head. If only for an evening, afternoon, a day. Below is a photo of me wearing it on its first outing at a wedding Mat and I attended.

There's also a photo of us dressed as War Horse and Dorothy for Martha's party. My Black Swan costume didn't arrive on time so Dorothy made another appearance. The theme was 'Theatre' just in case you were wondering.

As I have mentioned, this is a new normal with lots of good things to look forward to.

Carry on regardless

Hello! I'm back!

I think it's been 4 weeks since I last blogged. My apologies to regular readers but I didn't really have the strength or the inclination to blog much from my hospital bed. There's only so much I can write about nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, cramps, pain, fatigue and all the other soul sapping effects of cancer treatment that everyone already knows about. I'm still living it. It's f-*king miserable and I thank the universe for whatever strength it is giving me to get up each day to get on with it.

The shining ray of light while I was in hospital were all my visitors. Thank you so much to all of you who came to see me in my hospital bed. You know who you are. Thank you for sharing your daily adventures with me, your humour and most of all your kindness and friendship. You brought a sense of normality into a room starved of it.

I used to watch the sun rise each morning and marvel at how beautiful it all was, dreaming of one day watching it not hooked to an IV drip. It's the simple things that matter and people telling me about their everyday normal nourished my soul.

I'm home now. I've been back a few days. I'm still struggling with all of the above along with the head mess but at least the thread count on the sheets are much nicer and the bed more comfortable.

To be perfectly honest, most of all I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of not being able to eat properly, tired of being strong and tired of this hideous disease. It's bloody hard work! However, don't worry, I'll be OK. I'm stubborn and I don't give up easily. Factory resets on anything take time to be up and running. I'll be 'me' again soon enough. If you are going to do something, go all the way right?

In the meantime enjoy these photos. I was getting fed up with my hair coming out in clumps so I got Mat to shave it all off. It still hasn't really grown. I'm probably balder now than last time. Ah well, hair today, gone tomorrow!

All photos by shewithacapitalV

Day Zero - Part 2

I tried to be strong and maybe it was all the drugs I had been given but I just cried throughout. So much hope and faith held in millions of tiny cells. I just want my life back. Is that too much to ask for?

12th August 2015 - my second factory reset, reboot, restart. Let the fun and games begin.

The night before Day Zero Stem Cell Transplant Part 2

'Twas the night before Day Zero...

Firstly, excuse the way I look. Chemo does that. Anyway, I got a complimentary foot massage earlier and one of the oils the lady used was frankincense. She asked what other oil I wanted to pair it with and obviously I had to say was gold or myrrh available?! Oh how we laughed. She's probably heard this dozens of times and was just being polite but still. I went for lemon oil just in case you were interested. 

This then got me thinking about the Special One and all the gifts he got from the Three Wise Men or Kings depending on which nativity play you have watched. I'm obviously talking about Jesus and not me or José.

Said in THAT tone of voice, I know some would say I was 'special'. Yes how very dare they  (har de har de har) but today I did feel special. So many of you were kind enough to send messages, texts and emails of love and support. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful. 

As you can see from my photo above, I also got gifts. It's not just Jesus! So;

Gift 1 - is from Mat from when I was first diagnosed and is a cuddly stem cell. Obviously. I love this guy so much. ;-) Go and work your magic folks!

Gift 2 - is from a nurse who remembered me from my last treatment and who said that she doesn't normally do this for her patients but because she thought  I was 'special' it was something to wish me luck for tomorrow. She was going to get me a dog but as soon as she saw this pink alien thing she thought it reminded her of me. Apparently, because it's different, bright and fun. Oh my goodness how blimmin nice is that?! Needless to say I got very choked.

Gift 3 - is from my Mum and is Oleg from the Compare the Meerkat adverts. I obviously get my randomness from her. No, me neither but it did make me laugh!

As I have said before and will never stop saying, thank you all once again for your love, support, understanding and kindness. You know who you are. 

Not just during this period but throughout the last few s#"%&y months during everything. A final and huge thank you to Fiona for the last two days. Have fun on your well deserved holiday! A star like you needs to dim occasionally so you can continue shining bright. Enjoy.

Once again, thank you all.

Going nuclear with Callippo

I've gone nuclear...with Callippo. To stop something called mucositis a new medical regime being encouraged is to suck on a Callippo ice lolly while the chemo is being administered. Apparently the cold in the mouth slows down the blood and so prevents the taste buds and other cells in there going scooby doo. That's as medical as you are going to get! I've had two so far and another one on the way.

Apart from a bit of a headache I feel OK at the moment. Hopefully I will be well enough to receive my new stem cells tomorrow so they can start working their magic. That's when the fun and games begin. Goodbye hair?!

In the meantime, enjoy the view from my window below.

My factory reset - 2nd stem cell transplant

So I'm now in hospital for my factory reset. Time for the nuclear chemo (Melphalan) to work it's magic. And destruction. That's the trouble with anything nuclear, everything gets destroyed in its path. Goodbye hair once again. But just as demonstrated by Hiroshima and Nagasaki commemorating 70 years last week since their atomic bomb destruction,  things do improve and rebuild. Better even. This is where my stem cells work THEIR magic. Come on you beauties! I keep telling and reminding myself this. I have to. Otherwise negativity will eat me up and like lots of things, people and events in life, cancer is not worth it. A big f#$k you cancer.

In between canoeing the canals of the Thames; kayaking in a Lidl kayak in the Cotswolds and not sinking (!!!); succesfully completing punishing six months of chemo; eating, drinking and laughing with friends and family, visiting amazing gardens, having fun in our amazing garden, seeing a wonderful ballet, discovering Deptford and most of all being given an opportunity to reflect and consolidate, the last few weeks have been good. I intend to be around for more of the same and then some. Just watch me.

Pembrokeshire - the one that got away & more stunning coast line

Now that I'm suddenly the expert on coarse fishing having done it the once (!!), I thought I would give it another go on our last full day here in Pembrokeshire. We tried to visit another fishery for abit of variety but as they were closed for the week, back to Yet-y-Gors we went.

Having caught the first fish (a small roach) I got excited for my day's fishing. Except that was it for hours! Mat sat there catching fish after fish while I failed to get a single bite. Until around early afternoon when I felt my rod bend and my strings tighten....I had hooked A CARP!!! People spend days and  thousands of pounds on equipment and not get a bite from one of these bad boys and there was me with my hired kit and Green Giant sweetcorn niblet bait fighting this beast!

I had Mat and two old boys excitedly telling me what to do, my arms were straining from the fight this monster was giving me and my head was still thinking WTF, this shouldn't be happening, this is only the second time I've done this! After what felt like hours but was really only a few minutes, I managed to get the beast to the margins for Mat to net in. Except he didn't and my carp got away. Arrrggghhh!!!! I'm still not entirely sure how it happened. Mat thinks he may have contributed to the string snapping when he tried to net or it was just one of those things but all I know is there is a 8 - 10lb carp out there smoking a cigar, drinking whiskey and laughing at me! Needless to say, the one that got away was the talk of the fishery for that afternoon.

It was all very disappointing and my haul of five fish compared to Mat's twenty-five equally so. But fishing just like life has good days and bad days.

A few pics below of Mat with some of his haul of fish and more stunning coastline from Thursday taking in Tenby by moonlight where we had a lovely dinner, the water lilies at Bosherston, Huntsman leap and the stunning coastline and 'secret' beaches by St Govans Head.

A beautiful part of the world definitely worth visiting. Thank you Pembrokeshire.

Pembrokeshire - coarse fishing at Yet-y-Gors

So, on Wednesday I went fishing for the first time - and I loved it!  Who would have thought?! It's always been a wish of mine to do it but for whatever reason just never got round to having a go. Until now. I had been going on about it for ages and possibly having worn him down, Mat decided to take me. He hadn't been for 20+ years himself so I think secretly he was quite looking forward to it too.

We ended up at a wonderful place called Yet-y-Gors where the owners Darren and Hannah and their team could not have been more welcoming. With fishing licences in hand, maggots (!!) hired rods and nets and a sense of what the hell is this all about, I cast for the day in the beautiful lakes...

And ended up catching a small perch (my very first fish caught!) tench, rudd, roach and quite a large bream! As you can see from the photo below my bream was definitely bigger although in terms of numbers caught Mat beat me by catching 18 fish to my 13. Who knew he could be so fishing competitive?!

Anyway, I need to hone my technique but I have to say, for a first timer I thought I did pretty well. I apologise now in advance with tales of here's one I caught earlier...

Pembrokeshire - Skomer island & puffin paparazzi

Skomer island just off the Pembrokeshire coast is a beautiful island that prides itself on its stunning scenery, amazing birdlife and being a nature reserve, important research on what's on, in and under its sea. There are lots of seriously knowlegeable folk living on there doing good.

However, the big draw at this time of year are the puffins. That was the only reason we were there. All my life I have wanted to see one close up and I was beyond excited to see them. They are only in Skomer till around August when they fly out to sea having done their nesting bit.

What amazing birds they are. I have to confess to shedding tears when I saw them. I say tears plural because there were literally thousands of them and it was overwhelming to have a dream come true. They are ridiculously photogenic, have bags of character and gave zero f&*ks about the likes of us literally staring in awe at their antics.
The number of long and very expensive camera lenses pointing at them was a  sight to behold too. It felt like a royal photocall or a celebrity film premiere given the paparazzi style kit on show. I couldn't think of a better subject to photograph but my goodness!

I know Mat took some good shots and I may have taken a couple of decent ones with my other camera but enjoy the phone ones below until these are uploaded.

In other news, I completed another 5 miles today walking around Skomer island. I may have fallen over in the process after tripping over a hole but I'm pleased with my progress anyway.
Just think what I would be capable of once all this cancer sh%t is over?!? Puffins are the new inspiration.

Pembrokeshire - 7 mile coastal walk

So I completed a 7 mile walk along the Pembrokeshire coast today. Not bad for a Monday and certainly not bad for a girl who had chemo on Friday. Go me!!
My energy levels were surprisingly good and the route from St Justinian to Caerfai, St Nons and to St David's was delightful.

Along the way, we saw seals chilling out in the sea although having overdosed on them in California, I was over all the belly baring and backstroke from the attention seeking so and so's; there were also horses, a peregrine falcon hovering in the wind thermals, wonderful fauna and of course the spectacular Welsh coastline.

After the shit-storm that has been my life the last few months, this is a good break to have. We are staying in the cottage chalet we 'won' last year at a charity auction we took part in. It's in Nolton Haven which is next to middle of bumblef&ck. Seriously, it's so quiet here I can hear my own bones rattling. It's lovely though and a good place to gather your thoughts...

Pembrokeshire itself so far is stunning. Very unspoilt and the people we have met are friendly. There are lots activity centres here too so plenty of kayak wielding people, hard hats and activity wear on show. Obviously, I fit right in.
Tomorrow we are hoping to see puffins on Skomer island so expect lots of photos.

Rule The World

What with one thing after another, I forgot to blog that I saw Take That last week (thank you Kira and Sean). Four years since we last saw them back in Wembley Stadium (how time flies!), me, Kira, Debs and Fran made our way to the O2 Arena to see the now Take That trio consisting of Gary, Mark and Howard.  Although I did miss Robbie and Jason (sorry for sounding like a 12 year old), it was a spectacular show with elements of Cirque de Soleil and fantastic lasers, flames and all sorts of special effects going on. 

My favourite moment had to be during Rule The World when 20,000 people literally lit up the arena with their mobile phone lights. I'm old enough to remember lighters being used for the same purpose when at gigs in the past. On this occasion I didn't get my fingers burnt in the process. The 'twinkling stars' look was very effective and made me quite tearful although to be honest the whole song makes me well up as it reminds me of my wedding.

In other news that made me want to 'rule the world', my cancer markers have reduced to 'normal' so all the chemo and treatment I have been enduring these last few months are working. Unfortunately because of being hospitalised last month due to my kidney, I have to have another cycle of chemo starting this week prior to my stem cell transplant now put back to August. It's going to be a l-o-n-g summer in more ways than one....

Anyway, as the song goes I get knocked down but I get up again. It's the only way I know to rule the world.

Look at everyones mobile phones all lit up - pretty!

No expense spared on the lasers

Me (with a bit of a moonface) and Debs

Debs, Fran and Kira loving Take That

I carry your heart by E.E. Cummings and Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski

Two of my favourite poems below. Both entirely different from each other but raw in their meaning and simple in their thought.  I think so anyway, especially at this time of the day and moment in my life.



I carry your heart by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

____________________________

Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

The Windmill

As you may or may not know, I love a windmill. Old school style, wind turbines, ones that have been converted into homes or plain old empty ones, I really like them. I've even been known to divert the car (sorry Mat!) to see them at close range if I spot one in the distance - that's how much of a loser I am when it comes to them. 

It's possibly the sails that I like or even their shape or just what happens inside them that fascinate me, I'm really not sure. So when Mat spotted one in Meopham last Sunday whilst driving along, it would have been rude not to stop and have a nosey.  I think we were possibly the only visitors that day as the lady guardian there couldn't throw enough leaflets at us and mentioned how we had made her day.  

And so we climbed up a windmill! Having never done this before, it was quite exciting and for the first time in months I got a climbing fix albeit up and down the steep ladders.  

I could bore you with the intricacies of how flour is made from the big machinery inside but  a). I'm not a miller   b). I didn't read all of the explanations next to the machines  c). there's always Google   d). the poem below possibly explains it all anyway.

Outside Meopham Windmill

Windy Miller rocking that hat like only he can

Climbing a funny looking crag

The Windmill by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Behold! a giant am I!
Aloft here in my tower,
With my granite jaws I devour
The maize, and the wheat, and the rye,
And grind them into flour.

I look down over the farms;
In the fields of grain I see
The harvest that is to be,
And I fling to the air my arms,
For I know it is all for me.

I hear the sound of flails
Far off, from the threshing-floors
In barns, with their open doors,
And the wind, the wind in my sails,
Louder and louder roars.

I stand here in my place,
With my foot on the rock below,
And whichever way it may blow,
I meet it face to face,
As a brave man meets his foe.

And while we wrestle and strive,
My master, the miller, stands
And feeds me with his hands;
For he knows who makes him thrive,
Who makes him lord of lands.

On Sundays I take my rest;
Church-going bells begin
Their low, melodious din;
I cross my arms on my breast,
And all is peace within.

Us Two by A.A. Milne

I'm feeling introspective and a little sad this evening and thought about the poem below and how much it means.

You can take it at any level but ultimately that it's important to have someone by your side when fighting your own dragons and demons. That 'someone' can really be anyone - a husband, wife, partner, friend, nurse, consultant, neighbour, mum, dad, brother, sister anyone - so long as you're not afraid, like Pooh and willing to reach out. Easier said than done sometimes.

Us Two by A.A. Milne

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few-
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.

Hospital stays, kidney drains and anniversaries

Someone once said to me why can't I just have a quiet life. Well, believe it or not I do try to but life just doesn't want to be quiet with me around - especially this month!

Since my emotional venting in my last blog post, so many of you were kind enough to send me messages of support, positivity and just general nice-ness which I hugely appreciated. Fighting any illness can be very lonely and any support I receive, wherever it is from, is always valued. Thank you so very much.

Anyway, I knew I was ill but I hadn't realised just how ill! Early May Bank Holiday was just a blur of nausea & unpleasantness where I could barely stand let alone walk.  Obviously, it couldn't go on like this and as I was so unwell, I got admitted to hospital. Two hospitals in fact. Still not entirely sure why but there you go!

After various tests, scans and numerous injections on two arms that made me look like I'd been on heroin, it was concluded that my infection markers were very high. My compromised immunity through the cancer treatment had been attacked and I was seriously ill. In addition to all of this, scans also showed my right kidney had an infected cyst which needed draining immediately and so under local anaesthetic a brilliant doctor did just that. Painful but an incredible bit of medical procedure conducted that did the trick. I just had to have a weird tube/bag contraption sticking out of my side from my right kidney for a couple of days which enabled me to see all the gunk that was making me so ill. Truly revolting but fascinating at the same time!

And er, that's it!?! Two weeks in hospital summed up in two paragraphs. I'm still not up for conveying the immense anxiety, fatigue, loneliness, vulnerability and sadness I felt during this time but I'm sure you get the picture...
I hasten to add that there was also kindness, love, laughter and hope during my stay which made me feel strong and determined. It was just really bloody hard. Thank you to those of you who visited me - words cannot express how much you lifted my spirits. I'm truly sorry for the state of my greasy hair however.

One of the better views in hospital but imagine just staring at this all day...

One of the doctors had a problem fitting my cannula - hence all the bandages!

While all this was going on, there was also my 'cancer-versary' on the 19th May - five years since that fateful day of being told my cancer diagnosis. Or rather five years of being still here and basically saying f-&k you cancer and celebrating with blackberry and apple crumble cake and snowconut ice cream. Very much the way forward I tell you.

There was also our 2nd wedding anniversary on the 25th May. Two years already!? Just a quiet celebration this year because of my recovery and this involved a tasty brunch in a newly discovered restaurant, a 3D matinee showing of 'Mad Max Fury Road' (oh the romance?!) and a gorgeous dinner at our favourite restaurant in Dorking. There was also an afternoon spent with a picnic at Nymans on the Saturday before which was lovely.

Me with a carved frog at Nymans before I lost my energy

Pretty bluebells at Nymans

After all these years with Mat I'm glad that he's by my side on this journey along our own 'fury road'. I'm sorry it's not necessarily the quietest of roads but one littered with our own 'war boys', valkyries and strange warriors. However, we fight them off together and although it's hard, Mat, thank you for the love, support, honesty and resolve. In essence, thank you for making me your Imperator Furiosa to your Mad Max.

Imperator Furiosa and Mad Max having anniversary brunch

Enough said