More than just a number

I'm feeling a little ranty right now and I need to express. 

Am I always going to be known as the one who had the cancer? The one who had chemo? The one who's got a possible short life expectancy? The one with the bald head? The one that was very ill? The one that had the stem cell transplant? 

Yes, I am all these things but believe it or not, the last time I looked, I'm still the same person I was prior to 19th May 2010 - I just happen to have gone through all of these other things too.

I do not need or expect special treatment because, like a lot of other people who are going through and have been through this vile disease, I'm big enough and strong enough to say, even SHOUT if I need to be treated differently - for whatever reason.

I will speak up. I do not need to be wrapped in cotton wool. 

Being diagnosed with a serious illness does not suddenly make you a better person. It gives you perspective, an outlook change and perhaps humility but as I have mentioned in one of my earlier blog posts, I'm lucky in that I know I had all these qualities before my illness. I'm not being a big head but sorry, I did.

I also said that I don't want this cancer to define me although I'm guessing, in fact I know, that this is not going to be the case with how some people perceive me.

Yes, I appreciate that this is all coming across as the slightly neurotic and altogether mad mouthing off of someone who needs to punch a pillow instead, but, do you know what? I don't really give a toss. Live the life of a cancer fighter and tell me how you feel after that.

Introspection and friendship



A bit like the friends in Four Weddings and a Funeral - only much better!

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart".  Elisabeth Foley


I'm feeling introspective as I sip my tea and type this. It's early. I have my 3-month bone marrow biopsy at 1pm today and I'm thinking it is that which is making me feel this way.  I have had such a good time meeting up with friends and catching up with everyone over the last few days that it feels like nothing has happened to me these last few months!  I feel 'normal' even.  It is only when I have to go through things like a biopsy that I remember what my reality is and I get sad.  I sent a text to a friend telling them to 'keep shining bright and long and to not let the darkness take over' and I am trying to practice what I preach.  Do as I say, not as I do and all that.

Because of this disease, bone marrow biopsies are a necessary evil in my life. It's the only way of keeping an eye on my cancer. Although they are very painful, I don't really mind having them done - so long as I have a hand nearby to squeeze while they poke about in my hip bone!  Don't really care who the hand belongs to but it's usually Mats. Poor guy!

Anyway, happy thoughts! Thoughts such as the mayhem and madness that are my friends.  I am very lucky to have in my life such a diverse group of people who I can say are my friends. They vary in looks, lifestyle, sexual orientation, occupation, interests, race, sense of humour, class and wealth but all have me in common. 

They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me scream, they make me think, they even make me mad but most of all they make me smile. Happy even when I am with them.  You don't choose your family but you do choose your friends and it pleases me that up to this point in my life, I have been a pretty good judge of character to have been able to choose to know such a great bunch.

I'm laughing to myself just thinking about the shenanigans of the last few days! Shenanigans such as the last TSC (Thursday Supper Club - more on this in another post) where not only did David get lost driving around London for five hours (even though Sean and Mat were helping him via phone and phone sat-nav respectively), Debs nearly set her kitchen on fire heating food up! I know this doesn't sound funny on paper but the banter that ensued was hilarious.
The rest of us in Debs' flat were in hysterics!

Then we had the pleasure of having Fiona and Elliot visit us on Saturday where not only was it great to catch up with Fi, we were hugely entertained by Elliot and his antics. I hasten to add that Elliot is three and so his antics are very entertaining!  He is a very bright little boy - a lot brighter than some adults I know and he really cracks me up!  

Then on Monday evening, I had the Gallic charms of Marc to entertain me who along with the lovely Martha's company kept me amused by all the talk of stuff and nonsense. I'm still musing about what happens in toilet cubicles and the like. I think I may have missed out...

Amongst all this, I ventured into my work place for the first time in months and had a bit of 'a moment' before I finally walked in to catch up with various people and to say hello.  Poor Kira was on hand to calm me down and steer me through the emotional mess I was in at the start but a few deep breaths later all was well.

And so the adventure continues and so does catching up with the rest of my friends.  I may make more friends, I may not. All I know is that I could never be alone, I have too much fun just being with other people!

Anyway, I best get ready and have my hip bone drilled. I'll let you know how it goes.


Official - I'm not THAT old!!

Did you see it?!? I really enjoyed watching the Brits this year! OK, I know my taste in music is questionable, some would even say rubbish but if I like it, I like it. I listen to it regardless.  I have never been swayed by what's cool or hip or what's down with the kids but I loved every single winner this year.  Am I officially cool now?!

I didn't even mind James Corden and I don't really think he is funny. Absolutely loved Adele - what a voice; loved Cee Lo; loved Mumford and Sons; loved Arcade Fire; loved the beautiful Rihanna; loved Tinie Tempah and his suit; loved Plan B even though he reminded me of one of our builders in a suit and I loved Take That even though Robbie acted abit of a prat. Again! Just why does he do that? If anything, Take That are better off without him. Discuss...

Anyway, to be even more down with the kids, have you seen Rastamouse? Probably the coolest kids programme at the moment. If I had children, they would all be watching this. And squeaking the patois! Click on the link below to check him out :-)

Rastamouse - Da Crucial Plan

Irie!

♥ Happy Valentine's Day ♥

"If I know what love is, it is because of you"

Herman Hesse

Mat, Happy Valentine's Day. 

XXX

Keeping Active, Butterflies & Orchids, 'Never Let Me Go'

'Never Let Me Go' - go and see and marvel at the superb acting.
It may even make you cry. And think too.

Feeling a little leg achey this evening. I am putting this down to my underused muscles being worked a lot harder this past week than they have been for a long time. And only through walking more! It just goes to show how ridiculously weak I am. I know I have undergone pretty major medical procedures over the last few months and I shouldn't frustrate myself but I can't help it. It is frustrating.

After getting over my cold, I have been raising my activity levels to try and increase my fitness and so improve my well being. I am not feeling as tired as I was and I figure that moving around abit more can only be a good thing. And it might help shift some of this steroid bloat I still have!


My Wii Me - complete with baldy head!



Amy has spent all this week with us working on her research and so I have been accompanying her on walks around our village whenever possible during her breaks. I didn't do the jogging that she went for as this would have been too much for me but it was good to have her company as always.  She is so flippin fit, she makes you feel active just being around her!  We have also been playing about on the Wii - specifically the sports games. I'm rubbish at all of them although I have beaten Mat at the frisbee golf! I'm also going to tackle the Wii Fit more. If it is good enough for Helen Mirren...

The week started off well as I was lucky enough to watch a preview of the film 'Never Let Me Go' with Kira. The showing was over in north London near where I used to live so not only did I get to have good company watching a remarkable film, I got to reminisce about my living in north London days.

If you do get a chance to see 'Never Let Me Go' do watch it but be warned, it is abit of a tear-jerker. I found it to be an incredibly moving film. I know the book is a massive favourite with a lot of people but having never read any of Kazuo Ishiguro's novels, I had no idea what it was about.

From the trailers, it was obviously a love story of sorts but I was taken aback by the sinister science-fiction medical element to it. I won't go into too much detail so as not to spoil the story but there was a particular scene where one of the characters screams and howls following an incident. The noise made is a noise of unbearable sadness, anger, dissapointment and hurt. And unfortunately, it was a noise I only know too well as I have made it myself. Since cancer bulldozed its way into my life, I have made a lot of noises not all of them good ones but all necessary to get through each day.

On a more cheerful note, my slide into Surrey village life is slowly but surely happening!  It will be the Women's Institute next... Last Wednesday evening I attended a talk on orchids and their care at our local village hall and organised by our local horticultural society. The British Orchid Council were involved so it was all very proper, professionally done and believe it or not very interesting. Really, it was!

Unsurprisingly, I went on my own as Mat was washing his hair that evening and I didn't think any of my friends would be interested. Funny that?! In a hall full of about 60 people, I changed the demographic in the room by just walking in. I was probably the youngest by about 30 years (and I'm certainly not that young!), the only one that didn't dye her hair if I had any to dye, the only one that didn't have silver hair if I did have hair and the only ethnic minority present that wasn't for once serving staff. It was great! I found it really interesting and I have already made a couple of acquaintances. Admittedly, they are a little slow on their feet given their age and wheelchair but acquaintances all the same!

Carrying on the horticultural theme, today was spent at the gardens at Wisley. 'Butterflies in the Glasshouse' was on and I wanted to see this along with their orchid weekend so a win-win situation. Mike and Sylvie came to visit so it was great to see them and they joined us for an afternoon of gorgeousness - some photos below. The butterflies were absolutely stunning and huge! The only downer was the number of people in the glasshouse (a lot of small kids running around) but to be expected on a weekend. Thank you Caroline for recommending this :-)

On the celebrity spotting front, Maureen Lipman of all people was in the glasshouse with us admiring the butterflies. She was with a dashing gentleman companion and I have to say, she looked really fab for her age. Coincidentally, she is a patron of Myeloma UK as her late husband died from the disease a few years back. In some cultures, butterflies are a sign of long life, in others souls of those no longer with us and in some change and rebirth. Make of that what you will.

All in all, a good week.

Birthday bunnies and stinking, rotten colds



** HAPPY BIRTHDAY AIDEN & LYDIA **

Belated Gung Hay Fat Choy to my Chinese friends. Yesterday was Chinese New Year and today is another auspicious day as it is Aiden and Lydia's birthday!  Aiden and Lydia are two of my god-children - twins no less - and they are the grand old age of nine today.  As it is the Year of the Rabbit, I thought the above would be appropriate for them.  Excuse me while I give them a little shout out from this blog as I know they will enjoy the mention:

Happy, Happy Birthday Aiden and Lydia! 

I hope you had a fantastic day today and Partyman World was great fun!  I look forward to hearing all about it.  I hope you like the bunny boy and girl above.  I saw them and thought of you! I thought you might also like these pictures of Mickey Mouse and Princess Rapunzel as I understand you are big fans. Enjoy!  :-) 

Oh to be nine again...

Unfortunately, I have been feeling rubbish of late.  Mat, of all people, has given me his cold and I feel rotten. He never gets ill except for this week when he was kind enough to pass it on to me. Must have been all the Liverpool air from last weekend! 

We were a little worried about it yesterday as I felt really awful (what with my lowered immunity and all that) but having spent most of the morning today in hospital it's all good.  I had a hospital appointment anyway and my consultant didn't seem too concerned about my cold - have been told to rest up and to keep an eye on it. I suppose the fact that my white blood cells are doing what they are supposed to be doing (fighting infection) is a good thing. 

The rest of my blood stats are again excellent so everyone is happy.  I have the joy of a bone marrow biopsy at the end of the month which will give more of an indicator of how successful my treatment has been after the three month mark so looking forward to that...!?!  Apparently, I get another one after six months so it's like looking forward to a blue moon appearing except abit more painful!

Anyway, I'm off to have a Lemsip and to talk to a couple of nine year olds and their mummy about Partyman World. How come they didn't have anything like this when I was nine?! 

Come on England, although I'm not really interested in the rugby - not the right shaped balls for me ;-)

Over and out for now.

On Safari and Going Skiing Not Skiing

I can't believe it's February already. Spring may be on its way but I wish the weather would warm up. It's still so cold although I have heard rumours that this weekend will see the sun coming out to play so looking forward to that!

Speaking of cold, those of you who have known me a long time will know my aversion to snow and ice and specifically the sport that is skiing. You will be amused to hear that at the end of March I am going skiing! Yes, you read that correctly. I. Am. Going. Skiing. Or specifically going on a skiing holiday NOT skiing.  Pick your jaw up from the floor please!

After literally years of saying no when asked if I fancied going on a skiing holiday, I have succumbed and said yes. Given my experiences over the last few months, I figured that it was about time I go to see what the fuss is all about. And mainly for Mat and I to have some fun. I hasten to add that I won't actually be throwing myself down a mountain skiing. My back is still a little fragile for all that nonsense and so I will be indulging in lots of NON-skiing activities while my skiing friends and Mat do their thing. I get to meet up with them all for the apres-ski anyway!

It helps that the resort we are going to is a place called La Clusaz on the French/Swiss border with, apparently, lots of non-skiing stuff available. Regardless, all the fresh mountain air can only do my health good and I'm pretty adept at entertaining myself. And I get to speak French again or rather my version of French given that it has been years since I have spoken it properly!  There will be eight of us going and should be really good fun as we always have lots of laughs when we are together anyway. Expect to hear all about the skiing and non-skiing adventures on this blog of Vanessa, Mat, Sean, Kira, David, Scott, Tony and Debs nearer the time.  Debs hasn't actually confirmed that she is going with us yet but she will...

The weekend just gone saw Mat belay for the Vertical Marathon Challenge (more on this later) and us visiting Amy and Frazer up in Liverpool.  We hadn't seen them for ages and wanted to hear all about their month long Asia trip in Laos and Thailand and obviously to see them.  They are always fantastic company and a good time was had by all. 

By the time we had eaten lunch and finished jibber-jabbering on the Saturday, we ventured over to Speke Hall although due to the winter season the inside wasn't actually open but as the grounds were, it gave us the opportunity to have a bit of a wander around. I got to see monkey puzzle trees in close up for the first time. Could you point out a monkey puzzle tree? Well, nor could I until Saturday! 

Wandering around the grounds of Speke Hall

The rest of the afternoon was spent shopping and in the evening we had a tasty meal at a restaurant called the James Monro. The rest of the night was spent back at Amy and Frazer's for more conviviality and I was pleased that I was able to stay up beyond 1am without feeling too tired.  It always makes me smile to see Mat with Amy as they are so alike without even trying. Yes, I know this is to be expected as they are brother and sister but it still makes me smile okay!

Anyway, the fun and games happened on the Sunday as we went to Knowsley Safari Park for the day.  As one would expect for a safari park in this country, it didn't really have the Serengeti feel about it but it was good fun all the same.  All the animals looked happy and healthy - too healthy in fact! 

Whilst driving through the lion enclosure, the one in the right photo thought about mounting Amy and Frazer's car but fortunately changed its mind which was a good thing really as a competition between a lion and a Micra bonnet would have resulted in the Micra bonnet losing badly!  

And as for the baboons, well!  I haven't laughed so much for a long time.  They were ridiculous - clambering all over the car and literally monkeying about like nobody's business!  Unfortunately, we lost a piece of the car to them as one thought it would be a good idea to pick out and try to eat the windscreen washer nozzle! Oh dear.


Below are some more photos from the day although the quality is not great. The piccies were taken on my not very good camera phone through firmly shut car windows!

After the safari, we headed off to a Wagamama restaurant in the centre of Liverpool for some sustenance. Whilst eating, we saw a couple eat their food using chopsticks in the funniest way.  You know in some restaurants you get given chopsticks joined at the top? And to use the chopsticks you are supposed to split them apart? Well, this couple were eating their food without the chopsticks being split!!!  Ohmigod! It was painful watching them trying to pick and eat their food but there you go, having spent the day observing animals, this was further proof that evolution takes a long time to happen and that there are no guarantees when it comes to gene pools!

Finally, as mentioned, The Big Vertical Marathon Tour finished at Craggy Island climbing centre on Friday night. It was a phenomenal achievement by the climbers Paul and Robin and hugely under-publicised - a real shame. Mat was there all afternoon/evening volunteering his belaying skills which was much appreciated.

I know a lot of people do all sorts of amazing things for charity but to climb the equivalent of a marathon between them every day for seven days at different climbing walls around the country is a pretty unique challenge to achieve.  No pressure on donating but should you wish to, please do so on the left of their website. Cancer Research always need support.  Also, if you are on Facebook, there are some photos of Mat on The Big Vertical Marathon Tour page should you be interested in seeing his handsome face or mainly the back of his navy blue hoodie! 

Anyway, time for me to go so fais de beaux reves tout le monde :-)