Fed up, angry, upset, scared

I am all of the above right now and it is taking whatever strength is inside me not to physically and mentally crumble. It just seems so much harder this time around.

I'm really fed up with this cancer. Fed up with the chemo, the drugs, the side-effects and the fact my life has been turned upside down and I cannot be just 'me'. I'm fed up with not being able to do things spontaneously. I'm fed up with my mind letting me down. I'm fed up with the mood swings. I'm fed up with watching from the sidelines. I'm fed up with being left out. I'm fed up being left at home not able to do things.

I'm angry I'm on yet more drugs because my body has let me down again, this time because of a kidney/bladder infection. Yet another round of hospital tests yesterday, being spoken to like an 8 year old about bladder function and a "there, there" the antibiotics will sort you out attitude.

I'm upset at how I can't control what is going on inside my body. The sudden onset raging fever, the uncontrollable shivers, the fatigue, the false steroid energy, the mood swings, the general malaise. It's just f-cking relentless.

Most of all I'm scared that this is it. The beginning of the end. And I still have the stem cell transplant to look forward to in the summer. I scared myself reading back on the details from last time on this blog. Did I really go through all that? I just feel so numb.

Who would be me? Who would want to be around me? Even I don't like me right now.

I think I better go before yet more tears are involved. 

I need to keep reminding myself of this from the great man.