Pembrokeshire - 7 mile coastal walk

So I completed a 7 mile walk along the Pembrokeshire coast today. Not bad for a Monday and certainly not bad for a girl who had chemo on Friday. Go me!!
My energy levels were surprisingly good and the route from St Justinian to Caerfai, St Nons and to St David's was delightful.

Along the way, we saw seals chilling out in the sea although having overdosed on them in California, I was over all the belly baring and backstroke from the attention seeking so and so's; there were also horses, a peregrine falcon hovering in the wind thermals, wonderful fauna and of course the spectacular Welsh coastline.

After the shit-storm that has been my life the last few months, this is a good break to have. We are staying in the cottage chalet we 'won' last year at a charity auction we took part in. It's in Nolton Haven which is next to middle of bumblef&ck. Seriously, it's so quiet here I can hear my own bones rattling. It's lovely though and a good place to gather your thoughts...

Pembrokeshire itself so far is stunning. Very unspoilt and the people we have met are friendly. There are lots activity centres here too so plenty of kayak wielding people, hard hats and activity wear on show. Obviously, I fit right in.
Tomorrow we are hoping to see puffins on Skomer island so expect lots of photos.

Rule The World

What with one thing after another, I forgot to blog that I saw Take That last week (thank you Kira and Sean). Four years since we last saw them back in Wembley Stadium (how time flies!), me, Kira, Debs and Fran made our way to the O2 Arena to see the now Take That trio consisting of Gary, Mark and Howard.  Although I did miss Robbie and Jason (sorry for sounding like a 12 year old), it was a spectacular show with elements of Cirque de Soleil and fantastic lasers, flames and all sorts of special effects going on. 

My favourite moment had to be during Rule The World when 20,000 people literally lit up the arena with their mobile phone lights. I'm old enough to remember lighters being used for the same purpose when at gigs in the past. On this occasion I didn't get my fingers burnt in the process. The 'twinkling stars' look was very effective and made me quite tearful although to be honest the whole song makes me well up as it reminds me of my wedding.

In other news that made me want to 'rule the world', my cancer markers have reduced to 'normal' so all the chemo and treatment I have been enduring these last few months are working. Unfortunately because of being hospitalised last month due to my kidney, I have to have another cycle of chemo starting this week prior to my stem cell transplant now put back to August. It's going to be a l-o-n-g summer in more ways than one....

Anyway, as the song goes I get knocked down but I get up again. It's the only way I know to rule the world.

Look at everyones mobile phones all lit up - pretty!

No expense spared on the lasers

Me (with a bit of a moonface) and Debs

Debs, Fran and Kira loving Take That

I carry your heart by E.E. Cummings and Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski

Two of my favourite poems below. Both entirely different from each other but raw in their meaning and simple in their thought.  I think so anyway, especially at this time of the day and moment in my life.



I carry your heart by E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

____________________________

Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

The Windmill

As you may or may not know, I love a windmill. Old school style, wind turbines, ones that have been converted into homes or plain old empty ones, I really like them. I've even been known to divert the car (sorry Mat!) to see them at close range if I spot one in the distance - that's how much of a loser I am when it comes to them. 

It's possibly the sails that I like or even their shape or just what happens inside them that fascinate me, I'm really not sure. So when Mat spotted one in Meopham last Sunday whilst driving along, it would have been rude not to stop and have a nosey.  I think we were possibly the only visitors that day as the lady guardian there couldn't throw enough leaflets at us and mentioned how we had made her day.  

And so we climbed up a windmill! Having never done this before, it was quite exciting and for the first time in months I got a climbing fix albeit up and down the steep ladders.  

I could bore you with the intricacies of how flour is made from the big machinery inside but  a). I'm not a miller   b). I didn't read all of the explanations next to the machines  c). there's always Google   d). the poem below possibly explains it all anyway.

Outside Meopham Windmill

Windy Miller rocking that hat like only he can

Climbing a funny looking crag

The Windmill by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Behold! a giant am I!
Aloft here in my tower,
With my granite jaws I devour
The maize, and the wheat, and the rye,
And grind them into flour.

I look down over the farms;
In the fields of grain I see
The harvest that is to be,
And I fling to the air my arms,
For I know it is all for me.

I hear the sound of flails
Far off, from the threshing-floors
In barns, with their open doors,
And the wind, the wind in my sails,
Louder and louder roars.

I stand here in my place,
With my foot on the rock below,
And whichever way it may blow,
I meet it face to face,
As a brave man meets his foe.

And while we wrestle and strive,
My master, the miller, stands
And feeds me with his hands;
For he knows who makes him thrive,
Who makes him lord of lands.

On Sundays I take my rest;
Church-going bells begin
Their low, melodious din;
I cross my arms on my breast,
And all is peace within.

Us Two by A.A. Milne

I'm feeling introspective and a little sad this evening and thought about the poem below and how much it means.

You can take it at any level but ultimately that it's important to have someone by your side when fighting your own dragons and demons. That 'someone' can really be anyone - a husband, wife, partner, friend, nurse, consultant, neighbour, mum, dad, brother, sister anyone - so long as you're not afraid, like Pooh and willing to reach out. Easier said than done sometimes.

Us Two by A.A. Milne

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few-
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.

Hospital stays, kidney drains and anniversaries

Someone once said to me why can't I just have a quiet life. Well, believe it or not I do try to but life just doesn't want to be quiet with me around - especially this month!

Since my emotional venting in my last blog post, so many of you were kind enough to send me messages of support, positivity and just general nice-ness which I hugely appreciated. Fighting any illness can be very lonely and any support I receive, wherever it is from, is always valued. Thank you so very much.

Anyway, I knew I was ill but I hadn't realised just how ill! Early May Bank Holiday was just a blur of nausea & unpleasantness where I could barely stand let alone walk.  Obviously, it couldn't go on like this and as I was so unwell, I got admitted to hospital. Two hospitals in fact. Still not entirely sure why but there you go!

After various tests, scans and numerous injections on two arms that made me look like I'd been on heroin, it was concluded that my infection markers were very high. My compromised immunity through the cancer treatment had been attacked and I was seriously ill. In addition to all of this, scans also showed my right kidney had an infected cyst which needed draining immediately and so under local anaesthetic a brilliant doctor did just that. Painful but an incredible bit of medical procedure conducted that did the trick. I just had to have a weird tube/bag contraption sticking out of my side from my right kidney for a couple of days which enabled me to see all the gunk that was making me so ill. Truly revolting but fascinating at the same time!

And er, that's it!?! Two weeks in hospital summed up in two paragraphs. I'm still not up for conveying the immense anxiety, fatigue, loneliness, vulnerability and sadness I felt during this time but I'm sure you get the picture...
I hasten to add that there was also kindness, love, laughter and hope during my stay which made me feel strong and determined. It was just really bloody hard. Thank you to those of you who visited me - words cannot express how much you lifted my spirits. I'm truly sorry for the state of my greasy hair however.

One of the better views in hospital but imagine just staring at this all day...

One of the doctors had a problem fitting my cannula - hence all the bandages!

While all this was going on, there was also my 'cancer-versary' on the 19th May - five years since that fateful day of being told my cancer diagnosis. Or rather five years of being still here and basically saying f-&k you cancer and celebrating with blackberry and apple crumble cake and snowconut ice cream. Very much the way forward I tell you.

There was also our 2nd wedding anniversary on the 25th May. Two years already!? Just a quiet celebration this year because of my recovery and this involved a tasty brunch in a newly discovered restaurant, a 3D matinee showing of 'Mad Max Fury Road' (oh the romance?!) and a gorgeous dinner at our favourite restaurant in Dorking. There was also an afternoon spent with a picnic at Nymans on the Saturday before which was lovely.

Me with a carved frog at Nymans before I lost my energy

Pretty bluebells at Nymans

After all these years with Mat I'm glad that he's by my side on this journey along our own 'fury road'. I'm sorry it's not necessarily the quietest of roads but one littered with our own 'war boys', valkyries and strange warriors. However, we fight them off together and although it's hard, Mat, thank you for the love, support, honesty and resolve. In essence, thank you for making me your Imperator Furiosa to your Mad Max.

Imperator Furiosa and Mad Max having anniversary brunch

Enough said

Fed up, angry, upset, scared

I am all of the above right now and it is taking whatever strength is inside me not to physically and mentally crumble. It just seems so much harder this time around.

I'm really fed up with this cancer. Fed up with the chemo, the drugs, the side-effects and the fact my life has been turned upside down and I cannot be just 'me'. I'm fed up with not being able to do things spontaneously. I'm fed up with my mind letting me down. I'm fed up with the mood swings. I'm fed up with watching from the sidelines. I'm fed up with being left out. I'm fed up being left at home not able to do things.

I'm angry I'm on yet more drugs because my body has let me down again, this time because of a kidney/bladder infection. Yet another round of hospital tests yesterday, being spoken to like an 8 year old about bladder function and a "there, there" the antibiotics will sort you out attitude.

I'm upset at how I can't control what is going on inside my body. The sudden onset raging fever, the uncontrollable shivers, the fatigue, the false steroid energy, the mood swings, the general malaise. It's just f-cking relentless.

Most of all I'm scared that this is it. The beginning of the end. And I still have the stem cell transplant to look forward to in the summer. I scared myself reading back on the details from last time on this blog. Did I really go through all that? I just feel so numb.

Who would be me? Who would want to be around me? Even I don't like me right now.

I think I better go before yet more tears are involved. 

I need to keep reminding myself of this from the great man.