My duck face is better than your duck face

My duck face is better than your duck face

Disclaimer: This post is nearly 4 weeks old but has been languishing in my drafts folder so since I wrote this, I am now virus free.

However, I was in hospital earlier again today, this time to get checked out for rogue blood clots in my arm. Thankfully they didn't find any and the weirdness I have been feeling in my right arm is being put down to damaged nerves. Apparently this is 'a thing' with those who have had stem cell transplants. Something else to add to the list.


Like most people this winter, I was diagnosed with a virus. Unlike most people, because of my ridiculous medical history, I had to be checked out more thoroughly to ensure that my immunity wasn't even more compromised. 

They managed to source the type of virus that's been causing me consternation this past month and while in hospital last Friday they made me wear this mask to make sure I didn't spread my germs, hence me looking like a duck!

I was there on my regular quarterly visit to receive my bone strengthening treatment (pemidronate) and to see my consultant. I'm pleased to say that apart from this virus, they are pleased with my progress - still in complete remission and other than being told to take it more easy, it is business as usual.

Easier said than done given what life throws at you. Onwards and upwards and one foot in front of the other as they say.

2016 - a few memories

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Thank you for all the memories.  

You know who you are.

Goodbye 2016

The irony of not having written anything on this blog since I posted a blog post titled ‘The art of doing nothing’ is not lost on me ….  I had such a great time in Greece, specifically Janet and Spiros’ wedding that having to return to ‘normal’ life was a bit of a shock to the system. When I was ready to start blogging again the trauma of October events took over and I lost whatever mojo I had. I guess I’m still trying to find it.

In my next post, I’ve decided to put up photos from each month this year as a prompt of that event and that month and all that happened in it. It's my way of reminding myself that putting one foot in front of the other is the only way, the best way.

I think that is all you can do when you are trying to fix yourself and trying to mend the broken pieces inside you.  I still cry at the memory of it all. I still cry unexpectedly in places where I shouldn’t and sometimes crying in the shower is really good because the water washes everything away. I will quickly say however that in between the sad crying there has also been lots of happy crying and to be fair, I cry at anything!  Sometimes though I can go for days and days and days and not even have a sad thought which I guess is progress.

I’m not going to dwell on the shitstorm of a year 2016 has mostly been politically or even mention all the unexpected celebrity deaths. I still don’t fully understand what has happened in the world and why. My head hurts trying to. I suppose it is a sign that we are all getting older and the universe is calling time on not only us but on our memories and cultural references. 

Mostly this year I have gone out, tried my very best to have fun, travelled, had adventures, maintained and made new friendships and fortunately my health has been relatively OK through it all. Well, barring a blip here and there and this horrible virus I am currently trying to shake off. I know I'm very lucky compared to others.  

I’m still broken but I like to think in the Japanese pottery, ‘kintsugi’ way of broken. This is where the Japanese believe that mending something damaged with gold or silver makes it more interesting and beautiful for having been broken.  As someone who quite likes and finds beauty in flawed objects, I really love this thought.

I can see 2017 in the horizon.   

See you on the other side.

Crete - the art of doing nothing

So, I'm currently in Greece specifically Crete. Janet is getting married to Spiros this weekend in Athens and by way of getting a tan but mostly to get some rest and relaxation in beforehand, I'm in a beautiful resort near Hersonissou in Crete. Thank you BA for your flights plus hotel deals! Sarah is here as my partner in crime and wearer of all things high and shiny and or short. In fairness, I don't really know anyone else who manages this with such aplomb and style.

We had our first full day yesterday and it's a ridiculous thing to say but there is an art to doing nothing! Parking your brain to one side and just going with the flow and not thinking about anything too much is hard. I'm guilty as the next person when it comes to full pelt over thinking so an opportunity to not do so is always good to grasp.

We were lucky enough to get upgraded to a much better room nearer the sea and with our own private pool and in the process spent most of yesterday bathing in the sun, swimming and literally lounging around people watching. They do love a Speedo here don't they?! The Speedo wearing game is strong amongst our European counterparts.

My brain and body has really needed this and I'm hoping that the next few days leading up to the wedding will give me more opportunity for a complete reboot - Cntrl+Alt+Delete.

More Cretan thoughts to follow.

Complete remission

"So, I'm interested. Tell me one thing you've learnt in the past year?"

Someone on Twitter asked the above question and my response was;

"That even the best people let you down and disappoint in unimaginable ways but that I'm strong enough to withstand the pain".

I really meant this when I responded.

Porto, Lisbon and Portugal came and went and life took over. As my trip to Portugal happened over my wedding anniversary I experienced an overwhelming sense of grief and I threw myself in whatever opportunities arose to enjoy life and just live.  I even went kayaking which was good fun!

Brexit also happened and that made me feel genuinely sad. Still does if truth be told. As as 'international' person, I'll always feel European.

And I'm eating and drinking in interesting places as and when the opportunity arises. I may as well move into the Shard I visit so often and wining and dining at the top of the Gherkin was super.

But the best news of all is that a year after my second stem cell transplant, I'm still cancer free and still classed as being in complete remission - CR. There's still lots 'wrong' with me which I'm not really going to go into now but the most important thing is that the malevolent cells are at bay and I can try and get a semblance of normality over the coming weeks.

Good and better things are still to come. I just need to keep reminding myself this.

Porto - In sickness & in health

May has always been  a bit of a strange month for me. It doesn't know what it wants to be for a start. Spring or Summer? Oh, it's in between. Hot or cold. Oh, it's in between. Happy or sad. Oh, it's in between. This isn't May - it's me at the moment.

I 'celebrated' my 'cancer-versary' last week on 19th May. Six years since my life first changed with that diagnosis.
Today, I wish I was celebrating another anniversary but obviously I'm not. It had been the happiest day of my life and the date deliberately chosen to overshadow one of the saddest. Instead, I now have a double day dose of May misery.

So to overcome that I'm in Portugal with Sarah and Rhian. Specifically, Porto & by the end of this week Lisbon. I'm here with my favourite Welsh girls to soak up what Portugal has to offer and to enjoy. To enjoy life and to remember all the good it has to offer.

We arrived late yesterday straight into a nice hotel with a scary lampshade and a very authentic Portugese restaurant down the road. The food was interesting to say the least. Now I know that serving a tasty hunk of steak with some crisps on top is Portugese cuisine, dinner parties will never be the same again!

Bit like life I suppose, just full of surprises.

Shine On

After my skin cancer scare, I went a bit socializing crazy. Call it release, post-traumatic stress relief or just a simple I want to forget about any more worry and sadness if only for a little bit.

I didn't do anything extraordinary, meet anyone special or experience anything different. I ate, drank and was merry. I was just me. You could even say I just carried on with my life as we know it but I was definitely blocking stuff out instead of dealing with the situation. I think I am dealing with it better again although in doing that I'm crying more and feeling hurt. I tell myself that every day matters, I'm still breathing and life goes on. It's just really f-cking hard sometimes.

In therapy speak, it's a process. A bit like baking bread I suppose. All that mixing, kneading and effort to produce something worth having. I could tell you about all the fancy restaurants and bars I've been to but I won't at the moment. It just doesn't seem important.

Instead, I'll talk about the first UK young adult cancer conference I went to at the end of April. It was organised by Shine Cancer Support which is a charity founded to support those with cancer in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Basically, anyone who has cancer under 50 is classed as 'young' and Shine Cancer Support helps provide a network for those of us who have differing needs from people a lot older going through cancer. Our life stages and experiences are just way more different so it helps to meet others who are more 'relatable'. Learn more about Shine Cancer Support <<<<<< click.

I didn't know what to expect and I was a little nervous about attending but from the moment I saw the tweet promoting the conference I really wanted to go. To be educated mostly, to learn more about coping and dealing with all the crap and to learn from those that have gone through this bastard illness and are getting on just like me. I think mostly I just wanted to see what it was all about and therefore prove to myself that I'm doing OK and that things will get better.

I'm really glad I went. I felt humbled and inspired in equal measure and met the most terrific people. I also felt sad. Sad that I was attending alone and didn't have anyone with me to immediately share all these new experiences with.  Sad that there were so many brilliant people there who have had to endure the horrible everything that this illness brings. However, it reminded me that life goes on no matter what. That I'm stronger than I think. That I'm resilient and that I will never, ever give up.

Shine on.