Carry on writing

I think I've still got it in me.

I bashed that last post out a lot quicker than I thought I would.

I'm not the best, far from it, but I CAN convey thoughts and how I feel in a way that people actually understand.

I think I need to start doing more writing. If only to release a valve in my brain. 

To decompress. 

A release.

An escape

Goodbye 2018

An acquaintance of mine who happened to come across this blog reminded me that given my cancer condition it would be useful to update it because well, you know, people will assume the worse. After we both laughed at this, I agreed that he did have a point.

To confirm, on the last day of the year, I am not dead yet. I am, however, very tired. Tired of lots of things but mostly of having treatment and feeling unwell. You can't really blame me given that for the last fourteen months I've been nuked every week with only a week's rest between each chemo session. With still four more cycles to go. Pumped full of revolutionary chemo. Immunotherapy being the buzz word and encouraging my body to do its business. It seems to be working for now but my god, it's hard.  

I'm very lucky to have access to such treatment but it's all relative I suppose.

Lucky to be punctured each week (twice a week the first few months); lucky to have such overwhelming fatigue my weekends disappear in sleep; lucky to have to manage what little energy I have between demotivational work or inspirational play; lucky being lucky I guess.

Because I look so well!  Great apparently. The expensive beauty balm and lipstick hiding the terrible darkness in my brain and body where I'm constantly asking what the fuck is this all for?

I remind myself that's it's for me, for all the things I'm yet to do and see, new people to meet and all the adventures I'm still to have.

A friend sent me the photo below. They walked past it and thought of me. I love it. It inspires a sense of freedom and escape. New waters for me to sail into and discover.

Goodbye 2018. You've mostly been awful.

Hello 2019. Be kind.

La La Land

It's been a while since I fell in love with a movie. La La Land did just that, taking my heart and breath away when I saw it last week. It's magical. And just like being truly in love with something or someone, you're really not quite sure why but there's just something that grabs you and never lets you go. It's all of it - the acting, the singing, the dancing, the storyline, the settings, the editing, characters, directing, costumes  ....

I absolutely love EVERYTHING about it and will applaud every award it receives. When they eventually turn it into a stage musical, I hope to be there in the stalls humming, singing, foot tapping away. And wiping a tear.

A look in somebody's eyes
To light up the skies
To open the world and send it reeling
A voice that says, I'll be here
And you'll be alright

Keep taking the tablets

A very dear friend of mine died last week. His name was Mark. I had known him for over twenty years and considered him my 'work Dad'. We met in the glamorous setting of an Essex industrial estate in my very first job after university and pretty much hit it off straight away with our shared silly sense of humour and fondness for mischief making.  

Over the years, our life trajectories went in opposite directions but we never lost touch and I appreciated the regular phone calls and emails asking me how I am and the wise counsel he gave through the good and bad times. Equally, I enjoyed the updates on his family life as Mark settled into grand parenthood with his wife.

We were due to meet up this Spring but obviously this is now never going to happen. I'm just so glad I got to speak with him over Christmas and New Year. To have one last giggle with him. I will treasure that forever. Thank you Mark for all the memories and for being a wonderful, kind and loyal friend. I shall miss you.

Keep taking the tablets :-)

My duck face is better than your duck face

My duck face is better than your duck face

Disclaimer: This post is nearly 4 weeks old but has been languishing in my drafts folder so since I wrote this, I am now virus free.

However, I was in hospital earlier again today, this time to get checked out for rogue blood clots in my arm. Thankfully they didn't find any and the weirdness I have been feeling in my right arm is being put down to damaged nerves. Apparently this is 'a thing' with those who have had stem cell transplants. Something else to add to the list.


Like most people this winter, I was diagnosed with a virus. Unlike most people, because of my ridiculous medical history, I had to be checked out more thoroughly to ensure that my immunity wasn't even more compromised. 

They managed to source the type of virus that's been causing me consternation this past month and while in hospital last Friday they made me wear this mask to make sure I didn't spread my germs, hence me looking like a duck!

I was there on my regular quarterly visit to receive my bone strengthening treatment (pemidronate) and to see my consultant. I'm pleased to say that apart from this virus, they are pleased with my progress - still in complete remission and other than being told to take it more easy, it is business as usual.

Easier said than done given what life throws at you. Onwards and upwards and one foot in front of the other as they say.

2016 - a few memories

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Thank you for all the memories.  

You know who you are.

Goodbye 2016

The irony of not having written anything on this blog since I posted a blog post titled ‘The art of doing nothing’ is not lost on me ….  I had such a great time in Greece, specifically Janet and Spiros’ wedding that having to return to ‘normal’ life was a bit of a shock to the system. When I was ready to start blogging again the trauma of October events took over and I lost whatever mojo I had. I guess I’m still trying to find it.

In my next post, I’ve decided to put up photos from each month this year as a prompt of that event and that month and all that happened in it. It's my way of reminding myself that putting one foot in front of the other is the only way, the best way.

I think that is all you can do when you are trying to fix yourself and trying to mend the broken pieces inside you.  I still cry at the memory of it all. I still cry unexpectedly in places where I shouldn’t and sometimes crying in the shower is really good because the water washes everything away. I will quickly say however that in between the sad crying there has also been lots of happy crying and to be fair, I cry at anything!  Sometimes though I can go for days and days and days and not even have a sad thought which I guess is progress.

I’m not going to dwell on the shitstorm of a year 2016 has mostly been politically or even mention all the unexpected celebrity deaths. I still don’t fully understand what has happened in the world and why. My head hurts trying to. I suppose it is a sign that we are all getting older and the universe is calling time on not only us but on our memories and cultural references. 

Mostly this year I have gone out, tried my very best to have fun, travelled, had adventures, maintained and made new friendships and fortunately my health has been relatively OK through it all. Well, barring a blip here and there and this horrible virus I am currently trying to shake off. I know I'm very lucky compared to others.  

I’m still broken but I like to think in the Japanese pottery, ‘kintsugi’ way of broken. This is where the Japanese believe that mending something damaged with gold or silver makes it more interesting and beautiful for having been broken.  As someone who quite likes and finds beauty in flawed objects, I really love this thought.

I can see 2017 in the horizon.   

See you on the other side.