Fed up, angry, upset, scared

I am all of the above right now and it is taking whatever strength is inside me not to physically and mentally crumble. It just seems so much harder this time around.

I'm really fed up with this cancer. Fed up with the chemo, the drugs, the side-effects and the fact my life has been turned upside down and I cannot be just 'me'. I'm fed up with not being able to do things spontaneously. I'm fed up with my mind letting me down. I'm fed up with the mood swings. I'm fed up with watching from the sidelines. I'm fed up with being left out. I'm fed up being left at home not able to do things.

I'm angry I'm on yet more drugs because my body has let me down again, this time because of a kidney/bladder infection. Yet another round of hospital tests yesterday, being spoken to like an 8 year old about bladder function and a "there, there" the antibiotics will sort you out attitude.

I'm upset at how I can't control what is going on inside my body. The sudden onset raging fever, the uncontrollable shivers, the fatigue, the false steroid energy, the mood swings, the general malaise. It's just f-cking relentless.

Most of all I'm scared that this is it. The beginning of the end. And I still have the stem cell transplant to look forward to in the summer. I scared myself reading back on the details from last time on this blog. Did I really go through all that? I just feel so numb.

Who would be me? Who would want to be around me? Even I don't like me right now.

I think I better go before yet more tears are involved. 

I need to keep reminding myself of this from the great man.

Avengers: Age of Ultron - geeking out

Friday night at the cinema is always a good night out and tonight Mat and I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron in all its glorious 3D. I'm still excited by it although this may be enhanced by all the steroids I'm on...

Just in case you've missed any of the low-key publicity going on with this film in all the print journals, TV & various social networking sites (*sarcastic face*), here is a useful link:

Avengers: Age of Ultron - useful info

It was all sorts of superhero hokum but I really enjoyed it! I found it quite exhilirating in parts. Not necessarily intellectually (sorry) but the special effects were superb. I embraced all the noise and I gave a little yelp when we stayed and watched beyond the credits....(no spoilers!).

I've even chosen which 'Avenger' I would like to be and that's Thor - mostly because he wears a cape, carries that kick-ass hammer, is beyond good looking with his long blond hair and beautifully put together face AND gets to say "I am Thor, son of Odin" pretty much all the time. Standard superhero qualities really.

There is still a geek in me. Not much of one but definitely still there. I have surprised myself by how much there is. I'll be going to Comic Con with Martha next if I'm not careful.... ;-)

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that the cancer and all its grisly side effects may have changed me these last few months but I'm still me - sad geek and all and willing to ride out the storm like a true 'avenger' so more of the 'real' me surfaces :-)

By the way, I really can't wait for the new Star Wars film - only six months to go!

Hawking, Monkeying Around & Squirrelling Away

So, two weeks ago we went to Devon for a short weekend break. It wasn't planned that way but it turned into 'Animal Magic'. All that was missing was Johnny Morris and Terry Nutkins. For those of you of a much younger vintage, click on their names to find out more about these fine gentlemen greatly missed.

The monkeys were great although my expectations were perhaps a tad high as I was wanting all sorts from them (at least one pirouetting!?!) but I think the weather was perhaps a little warm for them to be giving us all a 'performance'.

The hawks and their handlers were fantastic if a little scary (the hawks not the handlers) and the strange face I have below is because the American Eagle weighed half a stone...

Finally, you can't really get any cuter than a red squirrel. I was delighted to have finally seen one at last and this one was the supermodel of red squirrels by being on performance. So much prettier than its cousin grey. 

The photos speak for themselves but just in case you were interested, links to the places we visited are here:

Monkey World (Dorset)

Hawkridge Birds of Prey Centre

Red Squirrel encounter at Escot Park

Apologies for the short blog post but I'm not 100% - new chemo cycle has wiped me out a little and emotionally I'm still drained. I'm holding on to the belief that by being strong now, things will get better.

View from our B&B in Seaton

All photos belong to She With A Capital V

Whatever it takes

I have to admit that in recent days I have been succumbing to feeling rather down lately. Miserable in fact.  All this treatment is causing toxicity within me that is not only affecting my brain and body but my emotions too. It's not a good combination, a good look or a good place to be. F-ck. You. Cancer.

However, because I am a stubborn bitch, I refuse to let this hideous disease get the better of me and try to embrace whatever my cheering section have in store for me. Or whatever it takes in my head to increase my positivity.

I forgot to write about my visit to Rye last month which was lovely albeit a little cold. Mat and I ate a delicious lunch at the Mermaid Inn which apparently is one of the most haunted places in the UK. Didn't feel or see anything ghoulish. And also went on a trip to RHS Wisley to see some beautiful orchids and partaking in a picnic in the grounds organised by my mother-in-law. Thank you Anita!

More recently, below are some photos of what I have been enjoying the last few days more as a reminder for me that whatever it takes, the fight is worth fighting for, even if it is just with myself.

Thank you to all of you - you know who you are.

Belated Car Wash present..... Yes I am odd, a cheap date, slightly bizarre and probably parts of my brain belong to a 6 year old hence I get on so well with children but I have to confess to really liking car washes! As in sitting in the car while it is taking place. I like how they make you feel all safe and dangerous all at the same time with the big washer foams and foamy water and loud noise.  I asked for this as a birthday present and yesterday, I finally got it from my husband. Admittedly, the car was filthy from his recent climbing trip so needed a wash anyway but it was probably one of the nicest experiences I have had with Mat in a while. 
Who would have thought a BP Connect in Ewell would provide such lovely and romantic views. There was even a sunset!

Feel free to add your comments below on how weird, odd, strange this is.  I won't care. As far as I'm concerned, sitting in car washes are the way forward you know!

Bournemouth Easter .... I love Bournemouth for many reasons and I have lots of good memories there. Easter was spent with family, playing on the beach and my niece finally mastering how fun sand can be. I thought I would add the photo of the Tesco Express in an old church over in Westbourne (posh bit of Bournemouth) as I was just well, flabbergasted by it!

A shame I wasn't feeling well enough to enjoy all that Bournemouth had to offer this time around but definitely will be there again soon.

A Good Friday... was spent with this little lady. She's called Anna, is aged 18 months and as you can see has developed a penchant for hats and playing with straws. She is a real bundle of fun and character and her parents, Kira and Sean were kind enough to invite me to play with her as well as indulge in a lovely lunch over in Teddington.

This weekend we are visiting the Dorset/Devon borders so more updates and photos to follow on this.  

All photos belong to She With A Capital V

A cloudy eclipse & cautioned by the fun police

This blog post was written yesterday afternoon but due to inefficient wifi connection & the fact we met up with friends after in one of our favourite pubs delayed publication until now :-)

I'm currently in hospital for my continued treatment staring at the bright sunshine thinking why wasn't it like this for the solar eclipse earlier in the morning?! There I was in the garden, wearing my dressing gown (obviously a true astronomer's outfit) clutching my safety glass so as not to blind myself and ..... there was absolutely bugger all to see here in Surrey!! Gah! Frustrating!! Talk about cloudy with a chance of meatballs weather. Cloud cover was so thick, it was like soup.

It made me reminisce about the August 1999 eclipse. Back then, when show time came I was in central London and me and my work colleagues were out in Hyde Park armed with pin hole cameras and eclipse glasses. It was also cloudy then but not as bad as earlier so we saw 'something' with the most memorable part for me noticing how quiet the birds went when it got gloomy. Very eerie.
It was also an opportunity for me to get to know my new work colleagues better. Now, I'm in the middle of cancer treatment. How times change. I'm just hoping I'll still be around to see another eclipse!?!

Anyway, Mat hand-delivered a falafel wrap from the falafel stand man at Waterloo for lunch and so we were able to eat these in the hospital garden sunshine which was nice. I don't usually have company for treatment as most people are at work so this was lovely.

Replenished for treatment, I got told off during it! Or rather some of the nurses did! As has always been the case, I treat the medical team that care for me like friends and try to remain upbeat whenever I'm in hospital with them. We try and have a laugh and I like to say hello to all of them if they are around.

Today, apparently there was far too much laughter coming from my cubicle and it wasn't fair that one patient was getting so much attention as all patients are only supposed to have one nurse....

I'm not sure if it was another patient (I think so) or 'management' but I have no words other than the fun police are clearly everywhere & watching you... Don't laugh too much now!

PS: F*ck cancer, ignore the haters and laugh like you've never laughed before.

I'm back, I'm still here, I never went away

Yes, I know I look like a duck & my hair needs a brush but it's a look okay?!

First and foremost my sincere apologies for the delay in posting this brand new blog post and for generally not being around in all aspects - blogging, emails, etc.  I'm pretty sure you are bored of looking at my flower pictures posted from last month and are due for an update.

Well, the flowers are now a lovely distant memory and the Valentine's cards have been sent and received.....and I have been rather unwell.  Yes, I know this is a bit odd to say given I'm going through cancer treatment but I was rather unwell in addition to the cancer treatment. Fun times!

In a nutshell, during the latter part of February I felt really terrible and I initially put this down to the chemo side effects.  When I actually felt like I was going to die (a little dramatic but I genuinely felt like I was going to!) we called the hospital and they asked me to come in immediately for tests.  

After an eye wateringly expensive taxi ride into central London via the strangest route in, I filled several test tubes with blood for various tests to find out what was wrong with me. The medical team did consider keeping me in hospital but fortunately I was able to go home once they had done their jiggery-pokery. 

The nasty that was making me so ill turned out to be the Influenza B virus which according to Wikipedia, so it must be true.... only humans and SEALS can catch!!!! I know my memory has gone all Scooby-Doo at the moment but I don't recall snogging a seal, so I can only put this down to catching it from the dirty cow who sneezed without covering her mouth at Waterloo Station and I was within droplet distance of her. To be fair, I could have caught it from anywhere but YUK!!!!! The hospital even made me wear that mask above for my repeat visit so I didn't infect other patients.  I was rather glad it was 'just' a flu virus and not another nasty such as meningitis, pneumonia and god knows what else they were testing for. 

To help fix me, on top of all my numerous cancer drugs was added four antivirals, an antibiotic, two bags of saline drips, fever, aches, pains and lots of tears of self-pity and frustration but I think I was allowed this. I had lots of good things planned with friends during this time and I was too unwell to do any of them.

I was pretty low. More so than my usual lows. Cancer really f-cking sucks anyway and to be ill with something else is just a bit too much for anyone in my opinion.

Thank you all for your messages, kindness, your friendship and your support. I'm so sorry I haven't had a chance to email some of you but it was just impossible at times. I will do so.  A big thank you to Dave and Milla for my lovely Meg Rivers Clementine & Almond Cake - courier delivered in a beautiful tin too! Wonderful sustenance!

Finally, I try and tell him everyday but I just want to say to Mat, my amazing husband, thank you. I know it must be frustrating being with me at times as I can be pretty off the scale in every way (believe it or not!!) but I appreciate everything you do for me.  I'm looking forward to the day I actually don't have any fatigue and we can climb together again one day but just know that being with you doing absolutely nothing means absolutely everything to me.

ECG drama, getting crafty & flowers galore

Usually when I go to hospital for treatment, everything is done so efficiently and without fuss (from me and my treatment team) that it is actually quite boring. Dull in fact! I'm grateful for any entertainment that is on offer, namely having a laugh with the nurses and staff. I think some of the other patients that are there are not quite ready for me yet so unless I actually get eye contact from one of them, I leave interaction to a cheery hello. I'm pretty sure they have other things that they would rather get on with than having to deal with someone like me!

Anyway, having now gone through my second round of treatment I thought I was more aware with what my body does before, during and after it and so fully prepared.  However, yesterday as I wandered down to UCH for my next round of chemical warfare I started to experience some weird tightening on my chest area.  As I wasn't familiar with this sensation, I mentioned this to one of my nurses. Well! That woke them up!

Out came the blood pressure machine (normal), thermometer in the ear (normal), pulse check (normal) and general conversation on how I was feeling (normal for my treatment).  After pretty much concluding that I wasn't going to have a heart attack in their cubicle, I was still sent for an ECG (electrocardiogram) test just to make sure that the electrical activity of my heart was yep, you've guessed it, normal.  

Not sure if any of you are familiar with what an ECG test involves but in order to measure my heart's electricity, sadly a meter man does not go into a dark place with a machine to get a reading..... 

Instead, you have to have these small fabric pads which are connected to leads stuck on to your pulse points and heart area, stay very still and the machine is switched on.  You then get the classic small up and down line reading (normal) and hopefully you don't get the massive peaks (not normal) or a flat line (erm, possibly dying or dead).

I was actually quite excited to experience a new medical procedure (yes, I'm a saddo) but this turned into embarrassment because the small fabric pads would not stick to my skin because.... I was too moisturized!!! Yep, all these oils, lotions and potions I have been slathering myself in proved to be a hindrance. The poor nurse who was attending to me was doing his best to stick as many pads to me (there was about 5 at one point round my left boob -a great look) but they just kept coming off! He had to get a doctor in to help in the end and fortunately everything was yep, normal.  

They believe the tightness was caused by the steroids I'm taking (Dexamethasone) which causes constricting of blood vessels while it is doing its magic.  I feel OK now and I haven't experienced it since so I'm hoping it is a one-off. I really hate these steroids. They make me feel so pumped up and high I literally do not sleep for 2.5 days then go on a massive come down which makes me feel cr-p, feel OK and then it starts again.  All the other drugs I have to take don't help plus obviously the chemo. But, it is keeping me alive so a small price to pay.

Anyway, to distract myself from all of this, I have been getting crafty and making Valentine cards for charity. I made around 25 'to sell' to people at work with people asked to contribute a minimum of a £1. Latest feedback I have received is that they have raised over £50 which I am delighted with! People are so kind and giving.  My generous husband has also mentioned that he would double final monies raised and once all sold, I'm hoping to donate to Myeloma UK and another cancer charity (I'm still deciding which one).

As a victim of success with this, I have now been asked to make birthday, anniversary and other event cards so watch this space!

I have also received some beautiful flowers! As it is still a little cold for me to go out in the garden to start tinkering, they have brightened the house and I feel so loved. They really are not necessary but thank you so much. I have put photos below to brighten this blog up a bit also.  

Anyhow, I'm off now to try and get some sleep before I take more steroids later and spend the day wishing I still liked hard core clubbing so I can make use of feeling so bloody wired!!

Thank you all once again for your kindness, love, support and friendship. I really could not do this without you all and I am grateful from the bottom of my very 'normal' heart.

♥

From Mat

From Fi, Roger, Elliot & Megan

From Lucy, Scott, Alex & Matilda
They smell gorgeous & I've just realized I look like some weird ghost thing in the mirror!!

2015 Valentine Cards made by me :-)