A new normal

Well, it's the end of September and it's been a fairly quiet month. Hence the blog silence. This is a good thing because most of it has been spent trying not to vomit and getting lots of rest to overcome my fatigue. And I appear to be succeeding.

I still have a long way to go to reach a good level of fitness but as my birthday month approaches, it's good to know that a semblance of 'normal' (well, for me anyway!) is on the horizon.

The highlight of the month is my wig. I bought one as sometimes it's just easier. Easier to not have to talk about cancer. Easier to not have people stare. Easier to be 'normal'. Easier to forget my bald head. If only for an evening, afternoon, a day. Below is a photo of me wearing it on its first outing at a wedding Mat and I attended.

There's also a photo of us dressed as War Horse and Dorothy for Martha's party. My Black Swan costume didn't arrive on time so Dorothy made another appearance. The theme was 'Theatre' just in case you were wondering.

As I have mentioned, this is a new normal with lots of good things to look forward to.

Carry on regardless

Hello! I'm back!

I think it's been 4 weeks since I last blogged. My apologies to regular readers but I didn't really have the strength or the inclination to blog much from my hospital bed. There's only so much I can write about nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, cramps, pain, fatigue and all the other soul sapping effects of cancer treatment that everyone already knows about. I'm still living it. It's f-*king miserable and I thank the universe for whatever strength it is giving me to get up each day to get on with it.

The shining ray of light while I was in hospital were all my visitors. Thank you so much to all of you who came to see me in my hospital bed. You know who you are. Thank you for sharing your daily adventures with me, your humour and most of all your kindness and friendship. You brought a sense of normality into a room starved of it.

I used to watch the sun rise each morning and marvel at how beautiful it all was, dreaming of one day watching it not hooked to an IV drip. It's the simple things that matter and people telling me about their everyday normal nourished my soul.

I'm home now. I've been back a few days. I'm still struggling with all of the above along with the head mess but at least the thread count on the sheets are much nicer and the bed more comfortable.

To be perfectly honest, most of all I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of not being able to eat properly, tired of being strong and tired of this hideous disease. It's bloody hard work! However, don't worry, I'll be OK. I'm stubborn and I don't give up easily. Factory resets on anything take time to be up and running. I'll be 'me' again soon enough. If you are going to do something, go all the way right?

In the meantime enjoy these photos. I was getting fed up with my hair coming out in clumps so I got Mat to shave it all off. It still hasn't really grown. I'm probably balder now than last time. Ah well, hair today, gone tomorrow!

All photos by shewithacapitalV

Day Zero - Part 2

I tried to be strong and maybe it was all the drugs I had been given but I just cried throughout. So much hope and faith held in millions of tiny cells. I just want my life back. Is that too much to ask for?

12th August 2015 - my second factory reset, reboot, restart. Let the fun and games begin.

The night before Day Zero Stem Cell Transplant Part 2

'Twas the night before Day Zero...

Firstly, excuse the way I look. Chemo does that. Anyway, I got a complimentary foot massage earlier and one of the oils the lady used was frankincense. She asked what other oil I wanted to pair it with and obviously I had to say was gold or myrrh available?! Oh how we laughed. She's probably heard this dozens of times and was just being polite but still. I went for lemon oil just in case you were interested. 

This then got me thinking about the Special One and all the gifts he got from the Three Wise Men or Kings depending on which nativity play you have watched. I'm obviously talking about Jesus and not me or José.

Said in THAT tone of voice, I know some would say I was 'special'. Yes how very dare they  (har de har de har) but today I did feel special. So many of you were kind enough to send messages, texts and emails of love and support. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful. 

As you can see from my photo above, I also got gifts. It's not just Jesus! So;

Gift 1 - is from Mat from when I was first diagnosed and is a cuddly stem cell. Obviously. I love this guy so much. ;-) Go and work your magic folks!

Gift 2 - is from a nurse who remembered me from my last treatment and who said that she doesn't normally do this for her patients but because she thought  I was 'special' it was something to wish me luck for tomorrow. She was going to get me a dog but as soon as she saw this pink alien thing she thought it reminded her of me. Apparently, because it's different, bright and fun. Oh my goodness how blimmin nice is that?! Needless to say I got very choked.

Gift 3 - is from my Mum and is Oleg from the Compare the Meerkat adverts. I obviously get my randomness from her. No, me neither but it did make me laugh!

As I have said before and will never stop saying, thank you all once again for your love, support, understanding and kindness. You know who you are. 

Not just during this period but throughout the last few s#"%&y months during everything. A final and huge thank you to Fiona for the last two days. Have fun on your well deserved holiday! A star like you needs to dim occasionally so you can continue shining bright. Enjoy.

Once again, thank you all.

Going nuclear with Callippo

I've gone nuclear...with Callippo. To stop something called mucositis a new medical regime being encouraged is to suck on a Callippo ice lolly while the chemo is being administered. Apparently the cold in the mouth slows down the blood and so prevents the taste buds and other cells in there going scooby doo. That's as medical as you are going to get! I've had two so far and another one on the way.

Apart from a bit of a headache I feel OK at the moment. Hopefully I will be well enough to receive my new stem cells tomorrow so they can start working their magic. That's when the fun and games begin. Goodbye hair?!

In the meantime, enjoy the view from my window below.

My factory reset - 2nd stem cell transplant

So I'm now in hospital for my factory reset. Time for the nuclear chemo (Melphalan) to work it's magic. And destruction. That's the trouble with anything nuclear, everything gets destroyed in its path. Goodbye hair once again. But just as demonstrated by Hiroshima and Nagasaki commemorating 70 years last week since their atomic bomb destruction,  things do improve and rebuild. Better even. This is where my stem cells work THEIR magic. Come on you beauties! I keep telling and reminding myself this. I have to. Otherwise negativity will eat me up and like lots of things, people and events in life, cancer is not worth it. A big f#$k you cancer.

In between canoeing the canals of the Thames; kayaking in a Lidl kayak in the Cotswolds and not sinking (!!!); succesfully completing punishing six months of chemo; eating, drinking and laughing with friends and family, visiting amazing gardens, having fun in our amazing garden, seeing a wonderful ballet, discovering Deptford and most of all being given an opportunity to reflect and consolidate, the last few weeks have been good. I intend to be around for more of the same and then some. Just watch me.

Pembrokeshire - the one that got away & more stunning coast line

Now that I'm suddenly the expert on coarse fishing having done it the once (!!), I thought I would give it another go on our last full day here in Pembrokeshire. We tried to visit another fishery for abit of variety but as they were closed for the week, back to Yet-y-Gors we went.

Having caught the first fish (a small roach) I got excited for my day's fishing. Except that was it for hours! Mat sat there catching fish after fish while I failed to get a single bite. Until around early afternoon when I felt my rod bend and my strings tighten....I had hooked A CARP!!! People spend days and  thousands of pounds on equipment and not get a bite from one of these bad boys and there was me with my hired kit and Green Giant sweetcorn niblet bait fighting this beast!

I had Mat and two old boys excitedly telling me what to do, my arms were straining from the fight this monster was giving me and my head was still thinking WTF, this shouldn't be happening, this is only the second time I've done this! After what felt like hours but was really only a few minutes, I managed to get the beast to the margins for Mat to net in. Except he didn't and my carp got away. Arrrggghhh!!!! I'm still not entirely sure how it happened. Mat thinks he may have contributed to the string snapping when he tried to net or it was just one of those things but all I know is there is a 8 - 10lb carp out there smoking a cigar, drinking whiskey and laughing at me! Needless to say, the one that got away was the talk of the fishery for that afternoon.

It was all very disappointing and my haul of five fish compared to Mat's twenty-five equally so. But fishing just like life has good days and bad days.

A few pics below of Mat with some of his haul of fish and more stunning coastline from Thursday taking in Tenby by moonlight where we had a lovely dinner, the water lilies at Bosherston, Huntsman leap and the stunning coastline and 'secret' beaches by St Govans Head.

A beautiful part of the world definitely worth visiting. Thank you Pembrokeshire.