Goodbye 2016

The irony of not having written anything on this blog since I posted a blog post titled ‘The art of doing nothing’ is not lost on me ….  I had such a great time in Greece, specifically Janet and Spiros’ wedding that having to return to ‘normal’ life was a bit of a shock to the system. When I was ready to start blogging again the trauma of October events took over and I lost whatever mojo I had. I guess I’m still trying to find it.

In my next post, I’ve decided to put up photos from each month this year as a prompt of that event and that month and all that happened in it. It's my way of reminding myself that putting one foot in front of the other is the only way, the best way.

I think that is all you can do when you are trying to fix yourself and trying to mend the broken pieces inside you.  I still cry at the memory of it all. I still cry unexpectedly in places where I shouldn’t and sometimes crying in the shower is really good because the water washes everything away. I will quickly say however that in between the sad crying there has also been lots of happy crying and to be fair, I cry at anything!  Sometimes though I can go for days and days and days and not even have a sad thought which I guess is progress.

I’m not going to dwell on the shitstorm of a year 2016 has mostly been politically or even mention all the unexpected celebrity deaths. I still don’t fully understand what has happened in the world and why. My head hurts trying to. I suppose it is a sign that we are all getting older and the universe is calling time on not only us but on our memories and cultural references. 

Mostly this year I have gone out, tried my very best to have fun, travelled, had adventures, maintained and made new friendships and fortunately my health has been relatively OK through it all. Well, barring a blip here and there and this horrible virus I am currently trying to shake off. I know I'm very lucky compared to others.  

I’m still broken but I like to think in the Japanese pottery, ‘kintsugi’ way of broken. This is where the Japanese believe that mending something damaged with gold or silver makes it more interesting and beautiful for having been broken.  As someone who quite likes and finds beauty in flawed objects, I really love this thought.

I can see 2017 in the horizon.   

See you on the other side.

Crete - the art of doing nothing

So, I'm currently in Greece specifically Crete. Janet is getting married to Spiros this weekend in Athens and by way of getting a tan but mostly to get some rest and relaxation in beforehand, I'm in a beautiful resort near Hersonissou in Crete. Thank you BA for your flights plus hotel deals! Sarah is here as my partner in crime and wearer of all things high and shiny and or short. In fairness, I don't really know anyone else who manages this with such aplomb and style.

We had our first full day yesterday and it's a ridiculous thing to say but there is an art to doing nothing! Parking your brain to one side and just going with the flow and not thinking about anything too much is hard. I'm guilty as the next person when it comes to full pelt over thinking so an opportunity to not do so is always good to grasp.

We were lucky enough to get upgraded to a much better room nearer the sea and with our own private pool and in the process spent most of yesterday bathing in the sun, swimming and literally lounging around people watching. They do love a Speedo here don't they?! The Speedo wearing game is strong amongst our European counterparts.

My brain and body has really needed this and I'm hoping that the next few days leading up to the wedding will give me more opportunity for a complete reboot - Cntrl+Alt+Delete.

More Cretan thoughts to follow.

Complete remission

"So, I'm interested. Tell me one thing you've learnt in the past year?"

Someone on Twitter asked the above question and my response was;

"That even the best people let you down and disappoint in unimaginable ways but that I'm strong enough to withstand the pain".

I really meant this when I responded.

Porto, Lisbon and Portugal came and went and life took over. As my trip to Portugal happened over my wedding anniversary I experienced an overwhelming sense of grief and I threw myself in whatever opportunities arose to enjoy life and just live.  I even went kayaking which was good fun!

Brexit also happened and that made me feel genuinely sad. Still does if truth be told. As as 'international' person, I'll always feel European.

And I'm eating and drinking in interesting places as and when the opportunity arises. I may as well move into the Shard I visit so often and wining and dining at the top of the Gherkin was super.

But the best news of all is that a year after my second stem cell transplant, I'm still cancer free and still classed as being in complete remission - CR. There's still lots 'wrong' with me which I'm not really going to go into now but the most important thing is that the malevolent cells are at bay and I can try and get a semblance of normality over the coming weeks.

Good and better things are still to come. I just need to keep reminding myself this.

Porto - In sickness & in health

May has always been  a bit of a strange month for me. It doesn't know what it wants to be for a start. Spring or Summer? Oh, it's in between. Hot or cold. Oh, it's in between. Happy or sad. Oh, it's in between. This isn't May - it's me at the moment.

I 'celebrated' my 'cancer-versary' last week on 19th May. Six years since my life first changed with that diagnosis.
Today, I wish I was celebrating another anniversary but obviously I'm not. It had been the happiest day of my life and the date deliberately chosen to overshadow one of the saddest. Instead, I now have a double day dose of May misery.

So to overcome that I'm in Portugal with Sarah and Rhian. Specifically, Porto & by the end of this week Lisbon. I'm here with my favourite Welsh girls to soak up what Portugal has to offer and to enjoy. To enjoy life and to remember all the good it has to offer.

We arrived late yesterday straight into a nice hotel with a scary lampshade and a very authentic Portugese restaurant down the road. The food was interesting to say the least. Now I know that serving a tasty hunk of steak with some crisps on top is Portugese cuisine, dinner parties will never be the same again!

Bit like life I suppose, just full of surprises.

Shine On

After my skin cancer scare, I went a bit socializing crazy. Call it release, post-traumatic stress relief or just a simple I want to forget about any more worry and sadness if only for a little bit.

I didn't do anything extraordinary, meet anyone special or experience anything different. I ate, drank and was merry. I was just me. You could even say I just carried on with my life as we know it but I was definitely blocking stuff out instead of dealing with the situation. I think I am dealing with it better again although in doing that I'm crying more and feeling hurt. I tell myself that every day matters, I'm still breathing and life goes on. It's just really f-cking hard sometimes.

In therapy speak, it's a process. A bit like baking bread I suppose. All that mixing, kneading and effort to produce something worth having. I could tell you about all the fancy restaurants and bars I've been to but I won't at the moment. It just doesn't seem important.

Instead, I'll talk about the first UK young adult cancer conference I went to at the end of April. It was organised by Shine Cancer Support which is a charity founded to support those with cancer in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Basically, anyone who has cancer under 50 is classed as 'young' and Shine Cancer Support helps provide a network for those of us who have differing needs from people a lot older going through cancer. Our life stages and experiences are just way more different so it helps to meet others who are more 'relatable'. Learn more about Shine Cancer Support <<<<<< click.

I didn't know what to expect and I was a little nervous about attending but from the moment I saw the tweet promoting the conference I really wanted to go. To be educated mostly, to learn more about coping and dealing with all the crap and to learn from those that have gone through this bastard illness and are getting on just like me. I think mostly I just wanted to see what it was all about and therefore prove to myself that I'm doing OK and that things will get better.

I'm really glad I went. I felt humbled and inspired in equal measure and met the most terrific people. I also felt sad. Sad that I was attending alone and didn't have anyone with me to immediately share all these new experiences with.  Sad that there were so many brilliant people there who have had to endure the horrible everything that this illness brings. However, it reminded me that life goes on no matter what. That I'm stronger than I think. That I'm resilient and that I will never, ever give up.

Shine on.

Giving the finger

This week I witnessed someone click their fingers several times at another person while asking them to do something. It wasn't done in a camp, Ru Paul "snap! snap! sashay!" kind of way but in a quite aggressive get this done now or else manner.

Now they may not have meant anything by it. It could have just been a mannerism of theirs but I'm pretty f-cking sure that if anyone clicked their fingers at me whilst asking me to do something, I wouldn't like it and I would say so. It's just the height of rudeness and disrespect in my opinion. Human beings are not animals to be called upon with a click of a finger. Not in my world anyway. It was a few days ago now and I'm still livid by it!

Anyway, in other finger news, the strange mole that appeared on the side of my right index finger is non-malignant so the skin cancer scare can now be parked in the bin where it belongs. It's not normal but it was harmless and I'm glad it's now removed as it had been a little worrying for me. I had thought the universe had it in for me big style had this been another cancer issue. All I want is a semblance of peace and normality in my life and with the news of this being 'non-malignant', a few days of worry has now been alleviated. 

all photos belong to shewithacapitalV

Keeping loud sad thoughts at bay

The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I know the above feeling well and to stop myself going crazy, cheer myself up and/or both, I've been keeping myself busy to keep depressive feelings at bay. I've already told you about some of the things I've been up to recently and here are some more. I don't know if there is a right way to get rid of the sad moods and anxious thoughts I have but sometimes keeping busy is the only way the loud, sad noises in my head can be suppressed. I don't have a choice. It's that or curling up in a ball and crying and I'm sick and tired of that. So are my eyes.

So in photos and in no particular order, some more reasons to stay alive (thank you Matt Haig for such an important book):

- Spending time with the wonderful children in my life with their various quirky personalities and funny ways. 

- Spending time with my wonderful family and friends.

- Going for a walk in Greenwich park and stuffing my face with delicious curry afterwards.

He gives good hugs!

Doing my best Japanese tourist impression straddling
the Greenwich Meridian Line

The sort of tree a child would draw if you asked a child to draw
a tree - in Greenwich Park

Me and Martha with Sarah's wedding venue in the background
at Greenwich Park

- Enjoying the 'Cocktails In the City' event in Marylebone and meeting fun and cool people and obviously getting hideously drunk in the process with Sarah!

Me and Sarah at the Cahoots photoboard

More cocktails - I don't even remember the names of these ones!

- Beer can chicken with Steve.

Steve trying to be demure having demolished
a whole roast chicken with me!

- Watching 'Billy Elliot' the play with Kira and unexpectedly sobbing at key moments.

- Going to a music gig at the Roundhouse in Camden to see 'Some Velvet Morning' with Alex, Rhian and Sarah and having a fab time.

- Watching and finally getting to meet this man, one of our great adventurers, Andy Kirkpatrick at possibly the nicest venue I have seen him in - the Royal Institute in Piccadilly. What a great guy he is and thanks for the hug Andy :) Come back to social media soon please lovely man!

Andy Kirkpatrick in full flow at the Royal Institute

- Managing to complete an epic north London walk with Sam reminiscing as we wandered through the delights of Highgate, Hampstead, Camden and Kings Cross.

Me and Sam
outside Kenwood House in Hampstead Heath

Me in Highgate Cemetery

There's loads more but I'm getting tired and memory is fading. Besides it will be good discipline for me to update this blog little and often ongoing.

Thank you all for being with me. For being patient, kind, funny and caring. For being my friend. For mostly just being there. You know who you are.

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

Trainspotting - the play

Back in the Nineties, life for me was so much simpler. I was young, free and single with the world at my feet and the nearest party a tube, taxi or free lift away. Drinking, dancing and general partying was priority and having fun the end goal.  I know that spirit is still within me but obviously it's different now. I'm much older for a start and whether it's life, age and general decrepitude that changes you, I can't do that sort of partying anymore!

So when I saw 'Trainspotting - the Play' at the King's Head theatre last month, I felt as if I had time travelled to that time of hedonistic abandon again. 

The toilet for the infamous toilet scene

The play is great. If you get a chance to see it, do so. Like the film and the book it was funny, hard hitting, visceral and thought provoking. We got to sit by the toilet for the infamous toilet scene and it was strangely exhilarating to be covered in fake stage shite as the scene unfolded!

The most memorable part for me was the start of the play. It involved a clubbing scene and because the play was 'immersive' with the audience sat around the set, I got to dance with the cast. I must have looked ridiculous in my work dress dancing like nobody was watching but I loved it!

For the 4 mins 'Ebenezer Goode' by the Shamen lasted, I was on that podium at the Forum again. It felt great. No cancer, bad hair, sad relationship thoughts, self-esteem issues or worries about the future. I wish I could have bottled that moment just to have. To have the bottle so that every now and again, if I ever felt low, I would have it to remind me of this feeling. Of a happy time gone but not forgotten. Something I'll hopefully get to experience again one day.

Naughty! Naughty!
Dancing like nobody is watching

Glowstick bracelet - wish I could have
worn it for longer!

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

Photoshoot - lights, camera, action!

So, at the end of February I took part in a photoshoot and these are some of the results from said photoshoot. It was kindly organised by Mike and Sylvie and it was a fun afternoon fuelled by lots of prosecco and MAC make up.

As you can see, everyone looked gorgeous although I feel as if I have let the side down as I look like a ladyboy! I opted for a 'dramatic look' expecting a little more drama with the photography hence the heavy drag queen make up but sadly this was not to be. I must stop expecting my own life to spill onto everything!! 

Anyway, as you can see they are lovely photos - thank you again Mike and Sylvie :-)

Possible back of book cover shot

Me, Bex and Sylvie

A lovely laughing shot but my head looks enormous!
Me, Sylvie, Betty & Bex

Christmas colours with me, Sylvie & Bex

Possibly my favourite shot
Bex, Betty, Sylvie & me

These boots are made for walking!
Bex, Sylvie & me

Possibly the most make-up I have worn since I was a teenager!

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

A different kind of corkscrew...

Following my Rioja wine tasting trip, the irony of having a corkscrew like device drilled into my hip was not lost on me as I lay there on the bed waiting for the doctor to do his thing. It's been six whole months since my stem cell transplant and they need to know if I'm still cancer free. It was three months ago when they last did this so here's hoping that I still am.

Bone marrow biopsies are never fun. They f-cking hurt. People who say they don't are lying or just trying to make you feel better. Or they are just masochists. I've lost count of the number of times I've had them done since 2010. I could just count the scar holes in my hip area I suppose. Six, seven, eight. Anyway, it's always good to take whatever pain relief they offer (gas and air is now included) and to hold someone's hand throughout the ordeal. As I've said, it really bloody hurts.

In the absence of the hand that held mine in the past, you know you have a friend for life when said friend happily holds your hand and distracts you while you cry like a baby as a doctor corkscrews away into your hip bone... Thank you Martha for everything.

Footnote: Since I wrote the above blog post, the biopsy is still indicating that I'm still cancer free. Woop! Woop! I'm not dead yet! Life goes on :-)

Rioja Wine Tasting part 2 (11-14 Feb 2016)

And more photos!

Down in the wine cellars

Being silly with a cart! Loving Arantza's face!

Rioja hug - my one and only!

The ladies striking a pose!

Muga winery estate group shot

Giant wine presses

It was a bit windy in San Sebastian when we visited

Hanging around in San Sebastian

San Sebastian square

Outside the Guggenheim museum in Bilbao with giant dog bush sculpture

The Guggenheim museum in Bilbao with spider sculpture (love this photo!)

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

Rioja Wine Tasting (11-14 Feb 2016)

Last month I went to the Rioja region of Spain over Valentine's weekend.
For reasons blindingly obvious, this was going to be a tough weekend for me especially hanging around at home with its multitude of memories and ghosts. 

So I gatecrashed Sarah's Rioja wine tasting trip! To drink some nice wine, learn about said wine, get to visit a part of Spain I had never been to before, meet interesting new people and most of all try and have some fun. And so I did! The weather wasn't great but northern Spain was never going to be in February but it was still very beautiful.

I thought I would do a short photo story of what we got upto below and in the next blog post - the pics speak for themselves. Thank you Sarah, Meirion, Arantza, Ian, Phil and Amanda for a fantastic weekend full of laughs, great company, tasty food and even better wine. Gracias a todos!

Wine barrels! The view outside our room at Eguren Ugarte winery. Amazing place!

The vineyards

Making myself at home at Torre de Ona winery estate

Dining room view at Torre de Ona winery estate

Trying to look interested at a wine tour

The group at Torre de Ona winery estate

Me and Sarah among the wine barrels - where else?!

With the man himself, his wine at his winery - Mr Luis Canas

Outside Marques de Riscal winery - a mini Guggenheim

Marques de Riscal winery was a classy place before this motley crew arrived!

Simply stunning views

Wine tasting at Muga winery estate

Wet evening out at Aroh (love this photo!)

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV

Hair cut - at last!

Today I got my hair cut. As in a wash, cut and blow dry hair cut. In a proper salon that offers a selection of drinks and a head massage. With a proper hairdresser sporting a man bun, cool tattoos, a lovely beard and glasses. A hairdresser that says things like, "It's not what you take off but what you leave on that's the most important ...." I think he was talking about short hair! All the usual stuff that you would expect for your hard earned cash.

Except I've waited months for this. Months and months of having to look into the mirror and hating what I see. Wearing a wig and worrying about it pinging, blowing, falling or sliding off. Of stroking my bald skinhead and loving the feel of it but hating what it represents.

Now? I've got a haircut and I'm beginning to feel 'normal' again. As you can see from the photos below, it's not the best haircut in the world nor is it the most different but it's MY haircut. I know I'm smiling in the photos but I did have a big cry earlier as this meant so much to me.

My hair is something that this hideous disease can't take away from me. It's growing back. It's coming back. Just like I am.

Washed and ready for my hair cut in the salon

Huuuge forehead shot! Ignore the zit

Crop shot

Yet another crop shot

Vanessa through the looking glass

All photos belong to shewithacapitalV